Let’s stop pretending Halo 5’s gameplay matters

Halo 5 rocks, except for the shooty bits

Halo 5: Guardians is a vide🌜o game much like any other; some parts of it are real g🥃ood, others not so much.

Take the story, for example, this part of Halo 5 is pretty nice. There’s a reason why we gave the game a good number in our review; if you dig cinematic action, like the stuff from Hollywood movies that video game blogs cover nowadays, it’s going to be a fun ride.

Of course, between ⛎the gorgeous wonderful amazing cutscenes, you 🍎have to suffer through some lackluster gameplay.

WHAT HAPPENS AFTER THE CUTSCENES END

There is a way to add new systems to an existing formula without fucking things up. The best example of this comes from Killzone: Shadow Fall, which has these aerial drones called OWLs. These things can create energy shields, hack computers, create zip lines, and even inject your character with drugs. They’re great! Kind of like Cortana used to be, actually. You know, before she died.

Be warned: The words you just read may be considered spoilers.

With Cortana gone, Master Chief has made some new friends IRL. Sadly, despite having corporeal bodies, they’re all incompetent, often walking into walls or standing in the open getting shot at instead of following simple orders. They’re also very bad drivers — even worse than my uncle Ted, who once ran over the neighbor’s cat backing out the driveway and ruined Christmas for everyone!

There are other problems, of course, including some mundane boss fights, no local co-op, and tedious level design. Seriously Bungie, how many arenas are you going to lock us in until we kill all the enemies? There’s more than one way to flatten a cat, you know.

HALO 5 IS AWESOME

Thankfully, the cutscenes do a visceral job showing what the Xbox One is capable of from a graphical point of view, pumping out a story that’s every bit as good as big-budget Hollywood blockbusters like Jurassic World and Vin Diesel’s San Andreas.

After finishing the campaign on normal, I went back and tackled it a second time on easy just to see all the explosions and hear Nathan Fillion talk all over again. And now that the game’s out, I plan to watch a replay on YouTube and do a quote-along.

I really love Halo 5, even despite the tiresome gameplay. It’s not that I’m not upset with the horrific friendly AI, the endless corridor shooting, and cribbed Call of Duty mechanics. I am. It’s just between all the fun to be had gazing at cinematics and listening to audio chatter, some garbage gameplay is a trivial detail in a package sold for only full retail price plus tax and microtransactions.

You’re guaranteed your money’s worth with Halo 5.