Obscure Video Games: Zettai Zetsumei Dangerous Jiisan DS

Good Touch and Bad Touch

For some reason, when I first heard the name , my mind immediately went to “,” a phrase parents teach their children in order to avoid pedophiles.

Thankfully, Grandpa doesn’t touch any youngsters in his 2007 mini-game collection Zettai Zetsumei Dangerous Jiisan DS, released in Japan b♐y Kids Station for the Nintendo DS. However, he does a lot ✱of other things here that would indicate he is completely insane.

According to for the anime on which it is based, Grandpa Danger is constantly trying to teach his grandson various life lessons (and failing miserably). The mini-games here each correspond to one of these lessons. Even though all instructions are in Japanese, the objective of each mini-game is usually pretty obvious. In fact they are almost as simple as the ones you see in WarioWare. Also, every one of them is touch-only — no buttons, no D-pad and (best of all) no microphone.

Now while the objective of each mini-game is usually obvious, the reason you are doing them rarely is. So I asked Grandpa for some explanation, and here’s what he said:

• “When you go for a walk, always bring along a bag of dog poo in case a homeless person asks you for food.”

• “Grandpa’s inner thigh is feeling very sore today. Could you be a good boy and massage it for me?”

• “The roaches aren’t screaming; they just have built-up air in their shells.”

• “Stop being a pussy; this is how real men bowl.”

• “We’re taking a trip to the moon today, but I need you to fill up the gas tank.”

• “Grandpa’s gonna get you some ice cream like he promised, but first he needs a visit to the little boys’ room.”

This is just the tip of the old man’s iceberg; there are a lot more mini-games here every bit as crazy as these. So go ahead and touch your Grandpa. You might like it more than you think.