Company now tied with Keaton's mom as the second most hated thing on the internet

Following weeks of negative press and irate consumers due to its recent business decisions, sources within EA say the company is quietly thanking FCC Chairman Ajit Pai for getting the internet to momentarily stop paying atten?tion to the company’s string of scandals and instead focus all its attention on him.

“It’s been a rough couple of months for us, public relations wise,” explained one EA employee. “First we closed down Visceral, which pissed a lot of people off. Then everyone found out why we did that, which just made them angrier. And then of course there’s the whole Battlefront II loot box fiasco. That’s why we’re thankful to Mr. Pai for taking the entirety ?of the internet’s universal hatred of us and directing it all onto himself?.”

Since Mr. Pai voted to repeal Net Neutrality, sources we spoke with say the number of emails sent to the company with the subject line “Fuck off and die&rdquo??; has dropped by nearly 50%. The number of Twitter accounts sarcastically menti?oning microtransactions on every tweet it sends out is down 70%.

“We’ve been so hated for so long that I almost forgot what it’s like not to be the most reviled thing on the internet,” the source said. “It’s just a shame it’ll have to end next year when w??e?? shut down three more beloved developers.”

As a thank-you, sources say the company will send Pai a bottle of wine, a box of chocolates, and 80,000 unsold copies of Need for Speed Payback.

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I wish for a mountain of handkerchiefs

Calling it the easiest ruling he has made in his 37 years on the bench, the Honorable William T. Hershel of Sa??n Francisco announced today he is granting full custody of Sonic the Hedgehog to Christian Whitehead.

Whitehead, developer behind the successful and beloved Sonic Mania, was deemed the only parent capable of raising The Blue Blur after the judge played about four levels of Sonic Forces. In his ruling, the judge slammed ?the gaming community at large for allowing this to go on f??or so long.

“This is clearly a case of a community recognizing the signs of abuse and doing nothing to stop it,” Judge Hershel’s ruling stated. “Sonic: Lost World. Sonic Boom. Sonic Runners. It couldn’t have been more obvious this was an unfit home for the mascot. It’s as if Sega w??as begging to have its parental rights stripped.”

Holding back the tears, Sega begged and pleaded not to have its baby taken away, promising to clean up its act and also do something about that fanba?se of his. But it wasn't enough for the judge, who ordered the bailiff to immediately remove Sonic from Sega and hand him over to Whitehead.

“The court is only doing what is in the best interest of the character,” the judge explained. “Even though Sega is the biological parent, it’s clear it is unable and frankly unwilling to provide a good home for Sonic where he can grow and thrive. I mean, have you people played Sonic and the Black Knight? If tha?t isn’t a sure sign of an unfit parent I don’t know what is.”

As for Knuckles and Tails, Sega and Whitehead will have joint custody of the pair while the judge ordered Big the ?Cat?? be put down.

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#notmyDoctorWho

Following this weekend’s announcement that the next iteration of the popular British sci-fi series Doctor Who would feature a female actor in the lead role, the BBC set off a new firestorm today after it was announced the next Doctor Who video game would actually be a well made, entertaining product. The untitled game, set to launch next year, will be made by a developer that’s actually good at the job, featuring artwork people actually want to look at and gameplay that’s actually engaging. Fans say that goes against everything Doctor Who video games stand for.

“This is an outrage,” said longtime Whovian Leonard Smelt. “I’ve been playing Doctor Who games for ages and they’ve all been terrible. That’s the way it’s supposed to be. You can’t just go against tradition by making a Doctor Who game people will actually l?ike. It doesn't make sense.”

Many expressed their anger on Twitter, swearing they’ll never get behind a Doctor Who game that critics don't call the worst thing they've ever played. Some say the move is too much of a gamble while others argue even the idea of making a slightly above average Doctor Who game is enough to drive them away from the enti?re franchise forever.

“It’s just another case of content creators buckling to the pressure of SJWs who only want to play enjoyable video games,” tweeted user Tennantious D. “Where does the madness end, huh? Today, it's a playable Doctor Who game. Then what, a Star Trek game that doesn’t suck?”

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Everyone involved is making money off this, even Destructoid!

There's a pretty interesting Youtube video about how "the marketplace of ideas" is a load of crap p?owerful enough to help get an unthinkable candidate elected president. It speaks to the idea that "The Discourse" in today's social media trickles down to what people talk about and th??ink about in real life as well, leading them to prioritize whatever issues are propped up by celebrities and media talking heads at that time. Most people want to be heard, but unless you are talking about what everyone else is already talking about, no one is going to listen.

Case in point, the current kerfuffle between The Wall Street Journal and millionaire Lets Play personality Pewdiepie. After being celebrated by several Neo Nazi groups for some of his "shock humor" jokes, based in Anti-Semitic words and images, Pewdiepie was dropped by Disney and Yo?utube Red as a partner, though Pewdiepie's main Youtube channel remains relat?ively?? unchanged in the face of the "scandal". 

In the video below, Pewdiepie alternates between taking responsibility for the ?situation and blaming the Wall Street Journal for it. He feels that their attacks on him have been personal, and are out to try to damage his career. My guess is that this isn't the case. The Wall Street Journal has to know that this whole thing is going give both them and Pewdiepie a bump in viewership for as long as it lasts.  

It's also likely that the writers in question at the The Wall Street Journal just honestly believe that Pewdiepie has been insensitive to the seriousness of the growing normalization of Anti-Semetic and KKK/Nazi-themed messaging in the world today, and has played a part in normalizing them. The fact that Pewdiepie takes the time here to complain about how "The Media" tends to focus on how much money he has, and not how "cool his story is" speaks to why the WSJ writers may feel that way. This is all despite the fact that the media has, in fact, spent plenty of time talking about how cool his story is. For an apology video, Pewdiepie spends a whole lot of time p??ainting hi??mself as the victim here. 

I think his feeling of victimhood may be genuine though. Pewdiepie seems sincere enough, but I don't think he'd ever claim to be the most emotionally mature man on the planet. It very well could be that he just can't help ?but worry more about his image than whatever he may have inadvertently done to empower or encourage Neo Nazis. More so, the frustration that can come from being willfully misrepresented by the media can definitely blind your judgement, even when you happen to have just as much influence as the media in question.

It's happened to me more than a few times. Once it was with a freelance writer for Sla?te. He announced that I declared that Gamers are dead. I didn't. I asked him to edit his article to reflect this. He refused, and later, doubled down on actual personal attacks on me via email. I stopped talking to him after that. 

I don't blame all of Slate for that though. I also know that anyone who cares enough about the topic to actually read my post can easily see that what was written about me at Slate was, in fact, crap. If I really cared what p??eople thought about me beyond that, I would have just used my equal-to-or-greater-than pow??er to communicate to the masses to write yet another post about the situation to set the record straight. But I didn't because, frankly, who cares? 

The truth is though, a lot of people care. People still hit me up on Twitter on a fairly regular basis, getting pissed at me for saying that Gamers are dead, or some other thing that they ??heard that I said from one of the "anti-media, anti-SJW" talking heads that they follow, but? never actually said. What I say and do is taken out of context all the time in order to keep the illusion of a non-existent conflict alive, usually by professional shit-stirrers on Youtube or Twitter. If I cared more about drawing attention to myself, and making money off of that attention, you can bet I'd be stirring that shit myself every day. 

Which brings us back to Pewdiepie and The Wall Street Journal, and the overall "Celebrities Vs. The Media" nonsense that's rising in people's awareness today. Like Pewdiepie said, I hope you don't fall for it. It's a distraction from the real issues, and the more you pay attention to it, the more powerful yo?u make both sides ??of "the conflict".

If you're just looking for a distraction from all the real problems in your life, t??hen sure, soak in all the fake drama you want. Just don't lose sight of how fake this drama really is. Pewdiepie is not a victim. If he feels bad for the people who lost their jobs on his shows, he could just use his millions to produce a new show, and hire them all back. If he thinks people aren't telling his story right, he can just tell it himself. And of course, if he doesn't like that people think he's Anti-Semetic, he can just stop doing the things that cause people to think he's Anti-Semetic. He has all the power in the world here. 

I'll give him this though, at least he hasn't asked his followers for donations to help him get throug?h these "tough times". 

The post Pewdiepie apologizes for offensive jokes,?? claims media bias against him appeared first on Destructoid.

Info dump too crazy to be true

Just weeks before it’s set to hit stores, an unidentif?ied developer leaked a boatload of information about the Switch dev kit issued by Nintendo, confirming reports the handheld-console hybrid is in fact powered by two hamsters in hamster wheels.

The information was uploaded to NeoGAF yesterday and since then, thousands have browsed the post, learning new facts about the Switch such as that it's inoperable for people born on February 29 and game card sizes vary from 1 GB all the way up to still-not-enough-gigabytes-to-hold-the-next-Grand-Theft-Auto. Brian Provlov, who was? first to report info dump, said the leak is giving consumers some much-needed information before the system launches.

“There are so many news things we’re learning about the console from this leak, including how you’ll communicate with other Switches,” Provlov explained. “With this system, you’ll actually connect a string to your unit, and then have your neighbor connect the same string to their unit, thus giving you the abi??lity to talk back and forth so long as you hold it up to your ear.”

Other information confirmed in the leak includes having the ability to access public Wi-Fi despite ??not having a browser at launch and that the Switch will drop the much-maligned Friend Codes for an easier to?? use smoke signal system.

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Clearly they need it

Following a seemingly endless supply of stories about Pokémon Go players hurting themselves, getting into accidents, and wandering into places they shouldn't be, developer Niantic announced today an update for the popular app that will give players some? fucking common sense.

“When we developed Pokémon Go we figured people would be intelligent enough to play it smart and safe,” said company spokesman Brandon Bush. “Boy were we wrong. Clearly, we underestimated just how stupid mankind is. I mean, did you hear about the woman who got stuck in a tree playing this? How the fuck do you ??do that?”

Bush says the update will revolve around a series of warnings to keep people from doing what basic evolution and quality child-rearing should have?? kept them from doing in the first place.

“This new feature will remind players to look up from the screen after they’ve taken more than six steps, which is something we’re saddened w??e have to tell people to do,” Bush explained. “It will also warn you not to play while driving, not to wander into a stranger’s yard, and, if you live in the state of Florida, it will tell you to move o?ut of the state. That’s just for your own safety in general."

The new, common sense feature will be added just as soon as Niantic finishes updating the map to remove Pokémon Gym and PokéStop locations from the Westboro Baptist Church, a home where sex offenders live, a Hells Angels headquarters, and other places that probably should have been vetted before sending child??ren mindlessly wandering to them.

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It's how you make the news these days

Unable to garner any media coverage for its upcoming JRPG, the publisher of Sun Blanket Star Pastry Chef ReB;rth confirmed today it ha?s altered one of the costumes in the game just so somebody would ??start paying attention to it.

Kevin Cohen, spokesper?son for Cobalt Games, sa??id the publisher had done everything in its power to raise awareness for the soon-to-be-released Vita exclusive.

"It's hard for a small studio like us to get into the spotlight a??nd we tried everything," Cohen explained. "We sent out press releases, we posted?? screenshots, got a big-ass booth at PAX, held an AMA -- nothing, nobody cared. We even sent out some review codes to a couple of guys on YouTube, but those assholes just flipped them on G2A. It felt hopeless, but then we realized if we want the entirety of the internet to talk about our game, all we have to do is add some extra fabric to one of the female characters."

The team decided to make a quick change to Mikiki, one of the seven high school students in the game tasked with saving the world from a giant monster possessed by the spirit of Joseph Stalin. At first, the publisher was ready to redesign her entire outfit from scratch but figured the lazy option of slapping a skirt on the gir??l would achieve the same desired results.

"It's turned out to be way more successful than we could have possibly imagined," Cohen boasted. "Since we put a skirt on Mikiki, our game has made the front page of nearly every gaming website. We have three different reddit threads both condemning us and praising the decision, our Facebook feed is filled with death threats and people telling us they're going to buy our game used now, which is great because as of last week they probably weren't going to buy it at all. Plus, more than 20 YouTube personalities have posted hours of diatribes against us, meaning news of the game is finally reaching Millennials. Is all of the coverage positive? Not really, but at least these people are now talking about Sun Blanket Star Pastry Chef ReB;rth."

Cohen hopes to keep the media coverage going until the game's release, although if it dies down he's alr??eady prepared a Twitter post that will claim the company is bringing back the origi??nal costume as a way to "stick it to those SJWs."

_{[Artwork created using DressUpGames]}

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Daddy has to go make art now

Admitting he didn't know when he was going to see them again, 3D environment artist Kevin Huang gave his kids an extra long hug this morning, ??before heading out to face development crunch time.

Mouthing "I love you" to his wife, Huang wiped a tear from his eye as he grab?bed ??the suitcase he'll need to survive the next three-to-four months of 80-hour workweeks, sleeping at his desk, and dickhead bosses who will constantly remind him how lucky he is to be there.

"It's tough," Huang admitted. "During the last crunch time I was away from h??ome for so long that I missed the birth of my child. I also missed the conception."

Stealing one last look at his family, Huang put his hand on his oldest son's shoulder and told h??im he's the man of the house now; reminding him to help mommy out with the chores, don't fight with his sister, and maybe get a part time job in case daddy doesn't get his bonus due to a low Metacritic score.

"Austin really didn't understand at first when daddy went away. He was always upset, but thankfully he f?ound a group of friends at school whose dads would also go a??way for long periods of time," Mrs. Huang explained "Of course their dads are in the military so the absence is a lot easier for them to comprehend, whereas my husband won't get to come home for several months because he'll be busy making sure rocks in the game look like rocks."

As he drove away, Huang's family said th?ey found comfort knowing their sacrifice would result in a game that would ultimately fail to meet unrealistic sales goals, and lead to the dismissal of 50% of the developer's wor?kforce.

The post Family says goodbye to father as? g?ame development hits crunch time (Fauxclusive) appeared first on Destructoid.

See how every penny is mismanaged

Following allegations of behind-the-scenes financial misconduct with the crowdfunded Ant Simulator game, the team behind a newly-launched Kickstarter campaign ??is now promising complete transparency with how it will ultimately blow the tens of thousands of dollars it's asking for.

Francis Madoff, COO of Portland based Betrug Games, believes too many potential contributors are turned off by stories of funds being secretly mishandled and projects being canceled. Madoff says his company has learned from the mistakes of others and will be completely open about how investment??s are mishandled.

"We want to make sure potential backers know exactly what they're getting into before they g??ive us their hard-earned money," Madoff explained. "That's why our campaign makes it clear we have no intention of delivering a product, and will instead just blow your money faster than a hobo that just won the lottery."

Betrug Games' project page goes into great detail about how funds raised in the campaign will be used on cool shit, like booze, drugs, and prostitutes; plus less-than-cool shit like Flo-Rida concert tickets and hover boards. The page also gives the background on each Betrug Games employee, detailing how they've?? foolishly wasted money in the past. Examples of this include donating to the Jeb Bush Super PAC, buying Google Glass, and getting four-year degrees from the University of Phoenix.

"Too many Kickstarters a?re run by amateurs," said Madoff. "But when you read our about our project and staff, you'll see there i?s not a group more experienced in financial delinquency than us."

For those interested in donating to the campaign (which hopes to raise $500,000), there are plenty o??f backer rewards available. The lowest tier is just five dollars and will net you a crushed beer can from one of the ragers Betrug Games plans to throw with your money.

The most expensive tier will set you back $10,000. For that tidy sum, you'll receive a mirror the team used to snort cocaine with, as well as a personalized thank you note from a stripper whose college?? tuition you'll ??be paying for one dollar bill at a time.

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You may want to wait for update 3.59

In its continuing efforts to convince fans to finally let go of the PlayStation Vita, Sony released an update for the device earlier this week that caused a wide variety of problems, inclu??ding making it nearly impossible to connect to the PlayStation Store and rapidly draining the battery. With many people still plugging away at the system, Sony released a ?new update this morning that will physically assault anyone who tries to play with the handheld.

Update 3.58 introduces a host of new anti-gaming mea??sures aimed at getting pe?ople to just throw their Vita away. When you download the new update, all of your saved data is instantly deleted and the screen goes black with the exception of giant middle finger pointed directly at you. If you try to move on past that screen, the buttons on the system will begin to electrocute you.

"With this update we're doing everything we can to get Sony fans to finally give up on t??he Vita like we did three years ago," explained Sony spokesman Todd Gilbert. "In addition to the buttons that shock you, this update will also cause the battery to leak directly into your crotch, make it unplayable if it's not plugged in and, if you try to use it for more than an hour, the device will just blow up in your face."

Despite these aggressive anti-consumer ??measures, Vita fans say they still love the little system and want to continue to support it. That's something that doesn't sit well with Sony. 

"What do we have to do to get you people to just let this thing die?" Gilbert asked as he smashed dozens of unsold Vitas with a baseball bat. "We stopped making games for it. We stopped advertising it. We called it a legacy platform which makes no goddamn sense. When will you people get it through y?our thick skulls that we don't want this thing anymore?"

It is unclear if there? will be any future updates after this one; however, experts agree that one thing that is clear: these issues will have no effect on Vita sales outside o?f Japan.

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Job requirements include 'keep it tight'

Much to the chagrin of many traditional sports fans, ESPN is betting big on the future of eSports. The network has already hired reporters to cover the eSports beat, will broadcast this month’s Halo Championship Tour at the X Games, and announced t??oday it's looking for a smoking ho?t woman to become the face of the eSports sideline.

Robert Dunstead, ESPN’s eSports editor-in-chief, said the position is? vi??tal to the network’s broadcasts as it will help introduce the sport to viewers who just leave ESPN on after SportsCenter is over.

“We are not taking this search lightly,” Dunstead explained. “ESPN wants only the most qualified reporters to fill this crucial role. That’s why we’re looking everywhere, from Instagram ??to wet t-shirt contests to the jumbo screen at AT&T Stadium – even Arizona State University.??”

Like in the NFL and NBA, the role of the eSports sideline reporter will be to update the?? audience on injuries that range from carpal tunnel syndrome to ?asthma attacks while ignoring the catcalls of inebriated spectators in the crowd.

“This isn’t just some fluff position. The ideal candidate needs at least one year of journal??ism experience, a familiarity with the various eSports we cover and she needs look dynamite in a pair of boyshorts on the cover of Maxim Magazine.”

If you’re interested in this position, Dunstead is asking that you send in your resume, two letters of recommendation, and three pictures of yourself dressed as Cammy from Street Fighter V.

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To celebrate his Game Awards win

Saying it's not the monster the media has made it ou?t to be, Konami confirmed today it let Hideo Kojima out of his cell for one whole hour as a reward for his win at The Game Awards.

Kojima and his team took home the award for Best Action/Adventure game last night for the blockbuster game Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain. He was not allowed to at??tend the ceremony after guards found extremely long-winded esc??ape plans hidden under his bunk during a cell check.

Kojima reportedly spent his limited time in the yard lifting weights, joining Neustra Familia and retweeting pictures of Quiet cosplayers. Sources say Kojima will also be given an extra piece of cornbread with? his meal tonight in recognition of his team's Best Soundtrack win.

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You down with TPP?

The full text of the Trans Pacific Partnership, the massive trade deal that will finally turn the Pacific Rim into one giant corporatocracy, was released yesterday to an expected amount of skepticism. While government officials in all of the participating states are endorsing the deal, so are many business entities; in??cluding the Umbrella Corporation, which held a press conference this morning throwing its support behind the bill. This particular endorsement has garnered a lot of attention.

"Throughout this 6,000 page document, we’ve found numerous instances of exemptions ??that seem to only apply to the Umbrella Corp," explains economist Daryl Bergen. "For instance, page 4,567 section B is titled the 'Zombie Creation Exemption,' where any corporation that inadvertently or purposefully creates a murderous army of zombies will not be held at fault for the catastrophic damage they cause. Even worse, section C states the corporation can sue for any losses that come with humanity figh??ting back against the flesh-eating monsters as zombies immediately become the property of the corporation upon creation."

While it’s long been known senior corporate executives and lobbyists helped shape the TPP, these passages represent the first occurrences of the deal favoring ??a single company. At this mornings press conference, Umbrella spokesperson Amanda Whitney was asked if the corporation did indeed help write the bill. Ms. Whitney denied the allegations and fled the stage? after unleashing a swarm of giant tarantulas on reporters.

Economists agree th??ese Umbrella Corporation-friendly provisions are not only bad for the economy but also for the survival of the human race as a whole. They’re also not too keen on sections that end the ban on the sale of RuptureFarms products and give the Shin-Ra Electric Power Company a complete monopoly on Mako.

The post Did the Umbrella Corporation he??lp write the TPP? (Fauxclusi??ve) appeared first on Destructoid.

Throw any expectations out the window

Following reports from video game QA testers that the ??industry hasn’?t learned from the errors of the past, publish??ers and de?velopers around the world today asked gamers to just lower their standards from here on out.

Inste??ad of trying to meet the challenges of modern game development, major game development studios said that they’re just going to aim f??or “good enough” from now on and call it a day.

“Do you know how hard it is to make a really good game?” asked Ken Willford of Ride to Hell: Retribution developer Eutechnyx. “No, ??we’re seriously asking you. Do you know? Because we have no fuckin?g clue.”

Marion Sarza of Activision says it’s difficult for gamers to? picture the unavoidable obstacles faced by development studios today, like mandatory two-year development cycles and financial penalties for missing a release date chosen arbitrarily by a studio executive with no real experience in the game creati??on process.

“That’s why it’s so important you all cut us a little slack and don’t expect so much of us,” Sarza explained. “Gamers will just need to l??earn how to be content with a game that’s a 5; however we do still expect game reviewers to make it rain with a??ll those 9s and 10s.”

Gamers rebuffed the s??uggestion, instead proposing game makers pay more attention to what their custome?rs want. Those we spoke with say they are listening to consumers, but they just can’t understand what they’re saying.

“Our fans keep using words that we’ve never heard before, like ‘complete game’ or ‘bug-free experience,’” explained Dennis Packey of Bethesda Softworks. “Seriously, I’ve asked around the office and nobody knows what those words mean. I mean are they French or Chin??ese or some kind of African click-language?”

Experts agree that while gamers may resist lowering their standards at first, they&rsq??uo;ll eventually give in because?? of course they will.

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Party like Bush is still president

As predicted for nearly a decade, Tim Cook announced at Apple's September Event that the next iteration of the Apple TV will be able to play games. With a new motion-sensing controller and titles such as Guitar Hero hittin?g the system, Apple promise??s to finally bring gaming into 2006.

"Since Steve Jobs died, many have been saying that Apple hasn't innovated enough, t?hat we're just playing catch-up with the competition," said Apple spokeswoman Nancy Sprawler. "Well, with all of the innovative products revealed at our September Event, like the new Apple TV or o??ur new iPad with keyboard and digital pen accessory, doubters will see Apple isn't just playing catch-up anymore. Now, we've thrown this fucker into reverse."

Arriving about six years too late, the new Apple TV will be the first to ship with a dedicated App Store. Some of the titles revealed for the system include Transistor, a multiplayer Crossy Road whose unveiling had all the pizzazz of a homeless man falling asleep in the rain, and Wii Sports Beat Sports?, a game you need to remember the next time Harmonix asks you to give it some money.

"With the new Apple TV, all your favorite games like Candy Crush and Temple Run will be available to play on the big screen, right in the comfort of your own home. It'll be like you're living in a Dave & Buster's but without the godawful food and general stank of the place. And, with titles like Beat Sports, Apple ?is finally bringing motion-sensing gaming to the mainstream. I mean who in 2015 doesn't love being forced to swing their arms to properly play a video game?" Sprawler asked, failing to notice the 500 people behind her raising their hands.

The new Apple TV will ship this October and is expected to sell out because it's an Apple?? product. Sprawler said if fans are happy with it, they'll be stoked when the co??mpany unveils its VR-enabled Apple TV about six years after that fad has died out.

In r??elated?? news, bloggers around the world dusted off their old Apple-will-bring-the-end-of-Nintendo talking points to give them a once-over.

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No, this is not a joke about the Wii U

The discovery of two new patents filed by gaming giant Nintendo earlier this year may give us a peek into the future of the company. The first, as reported on Saturday, is for a disc-less home console. The second patent, which was discovered early Sunday morning, could poin??t to Nintendo attempting to create its first sales-less console.

According to paperwork filed with the US Patent Office, Nintendo may be making a home console that is so terrible, people literally run away from it. Patent documents show the console will stand six feet tall and feature man??y jagged edges and Hepatitis-laced rusty nails. It will also contain no hard-drive, instead opting for three optical drives all of which use the HD-DVD format. In addition to the console, the patent filing points to a brand new controller that so awkward and unintuitive players may start to experience symptoms of arthritis after using it for just 15 minutes.

Other features, such as removable faceplates modeled after clowns, spiders, Fant4stic and other things people hate, may also be o??n the horizon according to the filing.

Many are speculating that a sales-less Nintendo console is impossible due to the fandom that surrounds the company. However it seems Nintendo has planned for this with an idea that will turn away even its most die-hard fans: it will package each console with a copy of Metroid Prime: Federation Force.

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This or they start cutting out tongues

Following the dismissal of Nintendo Treeh?ouse employee Chris Pranger over comments he made in a Part-?Time Gamers podcast, Nintendo of America told employees that beginning next week the company will start physically taping t?heir mouths shut before they leave the office.

“Mr. Pranger’s appearance on that ?podcast exposed some leaky valves in the great machine we call Nintendo,” said NoA spokesman Kyle Toadsly. “That’s why we have to take such, as some are calling them, extreme measures. But really, is it so extreme to forcibly restrain your employees before ?they go home to see their families so you can apply industrial strength duct tape to their mouths to keep them from speaking ill about their place of work? We think not.”

Critics say the new policy clamps down on an employee’s right to free speech, but Toadsly says that isn’t the cas???e.

“We’re not trying to prevent people from saying what they want,” he explained. “Our? employees know they’re safe to express how they really feel and say what they want to say about Nintendo and our fans... after they’re no longer working for us. Unti?l then you stick to the fucking script.”

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Schlong live the new era of gaming

Game developers around th?e world will soon be able to create the most naturalistic penises ever when NVIDIA releases the n??ext update for its popular PhysX SDK.

Codenamed “Woody Womb Pecker,” the update is being called a game-changer for developers who want to weird ou?t their hyper-heterosexual male fanbas??e by casually throwing a penis on screen. The PhysX 9.15 update means programmers will no longer have to work long and hard to create flaccid genitalia with no personality. Now development teams will be able to easily make true to life penises in a variety of different sizes, from the Michael Fassbender to the wet Jude Law.

“We’ve had a team of coders dedicate themselves over the past 12 months to nothing but dick,” explained engineer Michael Brandon. “For them, it’s been breakfast? Dick. Lunch? Dick. Dinner? Dick. They have lived and breathed dick every m?oment since they started on the project; and thanks to their dedication we can now create an impressive member that will automatically shrink when it’s hit by a slight breeze and grow when an attractive female character walks on screen. It will also grow just for the hell of it, because you know that’s what dicks do. We have no control over these things and now, neither will your game characters.”

Sadly, Brandon says for ??now the team can only create heterosexual penises as hom??osexual penises act in ways that science, logic, and religion can’t yet explain.

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Dumpster behind store now super classy

Trump, the Republican frontrunner for the 2016 Presidential nomination, has had a bit of a rough week after NBC and Macy's both parted ways with the reality TV star in light of comments he made about illegal immigrants. Today there was more bad news as Timmy and Tommy Nook announced they will be dropping the?? Trump brand from all Nookling Junction locations.

In a statement released to the press, the Nooks said their company stands for di??versity and would not tolerate comments Trump made about frogs.

We are disappointed and distressed by recent remarks about frogs made by Mr. Trump. We at ?Nookling Junction do not believe the ridiculous stereotype that frogs do nothing all day but get high l?icking one another. This type of hurtful, hackneyed cliché does not portray an accurate picture of the many frogs who have made valuable contributions to society; like Puddles, Frobert, and Michigan. We're also not keen on him referring to Resetti as a worthless piece of shit. In light of these statements, which are inconsistent with our values, we have decided to pull his ugly and highly-flammable merchandise from store shelves.

Trump hit back at the Nooks during a stump speech, calling them "classless bozos who sell crap so cheap even one of those rapey Mexicans wouldn't shop there." Trump ended the speech by s??igning checks for all the actors he paid to play his supporters for the afternoon.

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Why won't Nintendo do what I want?

For me E3 didn’t start until Tuesday evening when, after a day of avoiding spoilers at work, I was able to sit down at my computer, open a bottle of wine and enjoy the annual Nintend??o E3 Digital Event. As a life-long gamer with a penchant towards Nintendo developed titles, Nintendo’s E3 press conference is one of the four times a year I get the most excited, with the other three obviously being Christmas Day, St. Patrick’s Day, and book burning day at my local church. But this year, as the show ended with a seemingly unending salute to all things Mario, I felt neither joy nor happiness. This day that is supposed to excite me like no other instead left me feeling empty inside because Nintendo, this supposedly “great” d??eveloper, failed to meet even one of my ridiculous, irrational, and frankly unattainable expectations.

Going into this E3 I had a small list of simple requests for Nintendo: a new Metroid Prime game developed by Retro Studios, a new F-Zero game developed by Monster Games, and every other game I had casually mentioned wanting over the last year, from the expensive and impractical HD graphics intensive Pokémon MMO to the brand-new IP that I’m not sure exactly what it is but it needed to make it anyway. What did I get instead? Some games that they wanted to make.

Clearly I’m not the only who thinks Nintendo let me down. Thousands around the world have taken to YouTube to downvote many of their E3 trailers because these games turned out not to be the imaginary games they convinced themselves Nintendo would unveil. I’ve even seen instances of people throwing away their Wii U because of the Digital Event, and by throwing away I mean totally not gently placing a Wii U console and controller into a clean, nearly empty garbage bag for this picture and then taking it out of the garbage and plugging it back in so they can play more Splatoon.

I don’t understand why Nintendo didn’t just make the games I wanted them to make. Don’t they know who I am? I’m a millennial, with a computer, an opinion, and an anonymous avatar to hide behind. That basically makes me God, and as God I have been making it very clear what they need to do to please me. What part of me posting “FUCKING METROID NOWZ” to Nintendo's Facebook page every hour for the past year did they not understand? I want a game where I play as Samus, go to a new planet, and unlock all the same abilities I’ve unlocked in every game prior; not this new take on a classic series that aims to expand the Metroid universe beyond a single character, developed by one of the most talented Western developers in the game today. I mean who the fuck wants that? I’ll tell you who doesn?’t: me, the only person who matte??rs.

Nintendo, you’re going to have to do a lot to if you’re ever going to get back in my good graces. If you continue down this path wh??ere you continuously fail to appease me, I will have no choice but to stop being a fan who buys every single title you release. Instead I’ll become somethin??g far worse: a fan who only buys nearly every title you release. You don’t want that to happen because I’m pretty sure my purchases are the only ones that keep Nintendo afloat. If you want to succeed at making me and only me happy, you just have to remember your ABCs:

• A - Always
• B - Be
• C - Creating games that somehow meet a very specific set of criteria I have decided all your products should meet if they want to appease my inflated ego due to years of fooling myself into thinking that my opinion is the only one that matters.

That doesn’t seem so hard, now does it?

The post Nintendo ????????????????????????????lost E3 because it failed to exceed my unreasonably high expectations appeared first on Destructoid.

Disappearing face epidemic under control

With just a few days until the start of E3, sources within Ubisoft say the company is doing everything possible to make the E3 demo of Assassin’s Creed: Syndicate the ultimate gaming experience -- unlike the broken, bug-filled turd of a final product that will be released on the PS4 and Xb??ox One this fall.

“Right now we’re not worried about whatever it is we’re putting on store shelves in October,” says Robert Hayden, a programmer on the Assassin’s Creed series. “Right now it’s all about E3 and making sure we have a demo and eye-catching trailer that will win us t?hose coveted E3 awards. Does spending time and effort crafting a quality video game lead to bigger sales? Nobody knows; but you?? know what does lead to big sales? A ‘Best of E3’ award from Kotaku and IGN.”

The road ahead is not an easy one, according to Hayden, as the ro??ughly 13-minute demo is?? facing a breadth of game-breaking issues.

“We have a lot of work to do and not much time to do it,” Hayden explains. “Some of the problems the demo is still facing include buildings disappearing as you try to climb them, massive frame rate issues, poorly synced sound effects and characters escaping from Assassin’s Creed into better video games. We found a few characters hiding out in Toy Soldiers: War Chest, a few more were pretending to be dancers in Just Dance 2016; but most of them run to this old, dusty copy of Beyond Good & Evil 2 that we have. We find them a??nd they beg us to let them stay but we’re like ‘Come on guys, you know this game is never coming? out.’”

With its press conference scheduled for Monday, Ubisoft is running out of time to put the final touches on a game demo that could generate articles with headlines like ‘Assassin’s Creed is Back’ or ‘Ubisof??t Has Learned From Its Mistakes.’ Hayden says everyone at Ubisoft is also hoping for a wide selection of sentences with a favorable spin on the demo that it can cherry-pick and repurpose as positive reviews in advertisements for the final game.

“We’re going to get there. Right now there are about 600 people working around the clock to make this demo something that will fool people into thinking this time will be different. But we’re not stopping there. To ensure the nothing goes wrong, we’ve also started doing sacrifices to the blood God Shezmu. I mean we’re sacrificing anything we think will help. Goats, pigs, cats, birds, turtles, dogs, Hank from accounting, Hank’s grieving widow, Hank’s two recently orphaned children… I tell you the blood al?tar hasn’t seen this much action since we prayed for everyone to forget about ??that massive data breach we had two years ago.”

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Do you remember these classic moments?

We are a week away from E3 2015, which is promising to be the most exciting yet. An estimated 50,000 people are expected to attend the three-day event to try out the latest and greatest video games from the top developers and publishers in the industry. Before we look ahead to the future of gaming??, let's look back at some of the most memorable?? moments from E3 past.

1995: ??Nintendo sa?ys it has a real good feeling about the Virtual Boy.

1996: Booth babes debut, setting the standard for how all women who attend the event should dres??s and act.

1997: E3 moved from Los Angeles to Atlanta, Georgia due to the li?ngering s?tench of the first two.

1998: E3 canceled due ??to 1998 being ??a boring-ass year for video games.

1999: The Dreamcast is introduced, s??ecuring Sega's permanent status as one of the titans of the industry.

2001: Nintendo says it h?as a real goo?d feeling about the GameCube.

2002: Microsoft gives attendees a preview of what Xbox Live will be like by inviting 11-year-olds on stage to cal??l each other "gay-ass fa**ots" for 20 min?utes.

2004: The PlayStation Portable and Nintendo DS debut, though neithe?r are able escape the shadow of the Gi??zmondo.

2005: E3 is broadcast on television? for the first time, giving the entire world a close up look at how disgusting we all really are.

2006: Sony is? laughed ?off stage after giving a PSA on the real dangers of giant enemy crabs.

2007: Overweight Nintendo employee suffers a heart attack while demonstrating Wii Fit.

2008: With attendance at a record low, E3 is moved to three tables in the back of a Santa Monica Red Ro??bin.

2009: Pedophiles everywhere cheer as Microsoft debuts Project Milo.

2011: Nintendo says i??t has a real good feeling about the Wii U.

2012: Ouya wins E3. Other vid?eo game companies never heard? from again.

2013: Microsoft unveils the Xbox One to n?o controversy whatsoever.

2014: Nintendo misleads the press about the release date of The Legend of Zelda Wii U, marking the firs?t time anyone at E3 had ever lied about anyt??hing.

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Call it an E3peat

After admitting it has nothing worthwhile to show for the rest of 2015, Sony today confirmed rumors it will be remaster??ing its 2010 press conference for this year’s E3. Called “Sony 2010 Press Conference: The DE3finitive Edition,” the remaster will allow Sony to revisit a time w?hen it actually made new games for people to get excited about.

“Do you remember 2010? God that was a great year for us,” reminisced Sony Computer Entertainment President Andrew House during the announcement. “Killzone 3, the PlayStation Move, a new Twisted Metal... ohmygod remember when people were excited about a new Twisted Metal game? Jeez, it’s amazing what you can do when you try?.”

Using new computer technology not available at the time of the original press conference, House says Sony will be able to alter and improve some of th?e most troubling aspects of the 2010 presser.

“One of the most distracting elements of our 2010 conference was Jack Tretton’s enormous head. Many fans came up to us afterwards asking why we had Mayor McCheese up on?? stage talking about the PSP and we had to explain to them it wasn’t Mayor McCheese, it was Jack Tretton. When we decided to remaster this press conference, we knew right?? off the bat that his head size was the first thing we had to change.”

Tretton’s much appreciated cranium reduction isn’t the only improvement fans will love as House explained the remaster will include a heaping extra dose of former spokesma??n Kevin But??ler.

“Probably the biggest change between the original press conference and this remaster is Kevin Bulter,” House explained. “We’ll be inserting him into places he’s never been before. We’ve all seen him demo the PlayStation Move, but what if he was also eating a hot dog in the background while David Jaffe spoke on stage? In this 2015 remaster, he’s there. Kaz Hirai talking about 3D? Why there’s Kevin Butler off to the side rocking a guitar solo on the head of a dragon. This remaster will give you the most Kevin Butler you’ve seen since we fired him for appearing in that Mario Kart tire commercial.”

In addition to the improvements, Sony says the remaster will allow it to completely excise aspects of the original press conference that didn’t work, including missed cues, lighting mistakes, and the decision to show off the game Sorcery.

The post Sony remastering its 2??010 E3 press conference f??or 2015 appeared first on Destructoid.

Hide their kids, hide their wives

The launch of Madden 16 is still months away and while many of the new game mechanics and features are being kept a secr??et, the developers today did reveal one addition to the storied franchise that will tell gamers which?? NFL players will be arrested this year.

"The goal of Madden has always been to give players the most auth?entic professional football experience ever," said producer Chad Montgomery. "Last year we took steps to make defensive play as lifelike as possible. This year players can look forward to seeing some of their favorite athletes and possible heroes taken into custody after getting a DUI or beating their wives and children."

This new feature is thanks to the Bad Boy engine which has been in development since Michael Vick first adopted a puppy. With the recent release of the 2015 NFL schedule, Montgomery gave the press a demonstration of the engine’s accuracy. A simulation of the upcoming season anticipated 47 arrests to occur between September and February for various crimes, including: DUI, child abuse, domestic abuse, carrying a gun onto an airplane, hitting a woman ?outside a T.G.I. Fridays, illegal street racing, illegal horse racing, illegal three-legged racing, smoking pot, smoking crack, smoking pole, being black in Baltimore, soliciting sex from an undercover police officer, soliciting sex from a uniformed police officer, and having a glass of water in California.

Montgomery admitted while predicting the arrests is ??easy, there ??is one aspect of the Bad Boy engine that still needs work.

"Right now we're trying to get all the algorithms in place that will predict, with 99.9% accuracy, exactly how Roger Goodell will lie to the public to avoid any ?sort of responsibility for the actions of his players."

The Bad Boy engine will also change the way players experience individual games. Last year's Madden upped its presentation so each game of the season looked as though it were a real NFL broadcast. That continues in Madden 16 where after every quarter players ??will have to sit through a "No More" commercial featuring the dead, beady little eyes of NFL Quarterback an?d special needs adult Eli Manning.

In related Madden news, Michael Sam, the first openly gay man to be drafted to an NFL team, announced today he will be appearing in Madden 16 as a spe??ctator in the crowd because he'll never be good enough to make it onto the field.

The post Madden 16 simulation predicts which players wi??ll be arrested this season appeared first on Destructoid.

Bigger guns, bigger boobs, bigger everything!

On July 15, gamers in the U.S. and Europe will get their hands on the highly anticipated first-person shooter The Kill Squad. The title, developed by Gunner Games, will also see a release in Japan but players there will have? to wait a little bit longer after its Japanese publisher, Kodako Games, announced it would be reverse-censoring the game to really tramp it up for its audience.

"This game is far too modest for consumers in Japan," Kodako Games director Yoshi Otori said in an interview after plans for The Kill Squad were announced. "Where are the panties? Where is the zettai ryouiki? Where are the giant breasts? These are all questions our potential audien??ce will ask and we need to have answers for them."

Otori detailed some of the changes that will be found in the Japanese release, the biggest of which will happen right at the start of the game. In the first chap?ter of the game's story mode, the eponymous Kill Squ??ad, a group of grizzled male soldiers, is involved in a helicopter crash. That crash is still a part of the Japanese release; however instead of waking up to find themselves surrounded by the enemy, the now 18-year-old female heroes of the reverse-censored version will awake to find all but a single thread of fabric has been burned from their bodies and they're all suffering from amnesia. These types of changes, Otori says, will help the game avoid the dreaded "A" rating.

"A modestly dressed female with a sensible breast size is a death knell for these types of videogames in Japan," Otori explained. "Nobody wants to buy them and no retailers want to stock them. That's why we must make all breasts bigger and the butts bigger and guns so big that the girls don't ?shoot them as much as they straddle them seductively."

Since the announced changes, many in Japan have ??taken to the Internet to express their disappointment in Kodako Games for not going far enough with the reve??rse-censorship. Several dozen people are threatening to boycott the game until the publisher adds in at least three steamy bath scenes and a mini-game where each member of the Kill Squad take turns licking the sweat off of one another.

The post Publisher reverse-censoring upcoming FPS f??or Japanese audiences appeared first on Destructoid.