I wish this was a joke

Over the course of the pandemic, Zoom has been both a blessing and a curse as it's allowed us to continue on with business as usual. It does have its vulnerabilities like any other software, however, and that has never been more apparent than during a meeting of the Italian Senate about data transparency in politics yesterday. About a half-hour into the three-hour official government meeting, as one of last year's Nobel Prize winners in physics Giorgio Parisi was being introduced, the senate feed was suddenly interrupted by unofficial Final Fantasy porn featuring Tifa Lockhart.

The porn continued on for an agonizing thirty seconds, while the audio lasted even longer as host and Five Star Movement Senator Maria Laura Mantovani frantically tried to turn it off with the help of her assistant. Parisi continues on with his prepared points after the porn is shut down, and I'm honestly impressed at his level of professionalism. The Zoom call was populated by both live and remote participants, and while some blamed hackers ?for the incident, we don't really have any?? way of knowing what happened for sure.

To top it all off, the meeting was being live-streamed ??to both Facebook and the Italian equivalent of C-SPAN. While the clip has been removed from the official VOD, it's still making the rounds online (view at your own risk, obviously).

//twitter.com/Fran?cescoDonald/status/1483447868837044224

Thankfully the meeting was able to continue on as usual after the feed was shut down, but I imagine it? was a bit more difficult to focus af??terward.

Look, I'm not trying to kink shame a??nyone, but there's a time and place for these things, and a government Zoom call just ain't it. This is certainly one of the weirder things I've witnessed in 2022, but hey, the year just started, right?

The post So, some F?inal Fantasy porn just played during an Italian Senate meeti?ng appeared first on Destructoid.

Spread 'masturbating chaos'

I'd normally save this sort of thing for my weekly weird games roundup, but I was too excited to restrain? myself. I was practically turgid with anticipation, and the only way to sate my raging emotion was to whip it out and spread the news all over you guys, consequences be damne??d.

Wanking Simulator is real. And it's coming. And now, so have I.

You?'re Winston Gay, a man whose lewd leisurely pastime has proven to be a nuisance for neighbors. The cops were called, some words were exchanged, and now you're on the lam doing what you do best: Giving your little friend a naked noogie. The main goal is to spread "masturbating chaos" by destroying as much of civilization as you ??can before the fuzz catches up to you. Interrupt funerals. Disrupt the US Postal Service's sworn duty. Kick cars until they explode. Do anything, so long as you don't stop side-fisting the Slim Jim.

The publisher promises the only sexual content in the game will be the fleshy dice-rolling of the main character, and that -- now this comes directly from?? the press release, which is amazing -- "no genitals or organic fluids will be seen in the game." It's just meant to be all in good, weird, horrible fun!

Despite the mountain of evidence to the contrary, I'm no idiot. I know this game is primarily bait for loud-mouthed YouTubers to pretend to be shocked in the most obnoxious ways possible while crowding up our Recommended feeds with shit we'll never, ever click on in a trillion years. But man, ya gotta admire the ca??jones of that press release. Also the fact that someone made a video game about my Uncle Terry was enough to get me interested. I keeps it real.

Real weird, that is.

Wanking Simulator will blow off some Steam in Q3 2019, with the team allegedly eyeing a console release som?etime after. Uh, I wouldn't hold my breath on that last bit.

The post Wanking Simulator achieves release this fall appeared first on Destructoid.

Very unsexy nudity? Very unsexy nudity.

[Getting Weird with Wes is?? a series meant to highlight all the bizarre shit floating around out there in the gaming universe. I hate normal things. Join me in celebrating the strange.]

Ask any woman (o??r man) who's ever seen me naked and they'll confirm that I am extremely easy to please. That's why the slightest little deviation from the normal can ta??ke me from six to midnight in the blink of an eye. And honestly, I'm so jaded, hardened, cynical, and shitty in most other parts of my life that I feel ok in granting myself the slightest indulgence in soaking up the goofy garbage that litters the video game world.

The weird is the dumpster, and I'm your friendly neighborhood dumpster diver giving new life to the things once thrown out. You want some fried c??hicken I found behind a Food Lion? How's about some bread that expired five weeks ago? Just take it. You can throw it away once I leave.

NBA Jam is one of, if not the, greatest sport??s titles of all time. It distills basketball down into an easily digestible, fun excursion that gets rid of the rules that slow the game down and highlight everything that makes it fun. Now, imagine some crazy asshole took that concept and boiled it down even further until the stock was basically inedible, but wholly and terrifyingly literal.

Dunk Lords does just that. Normally I'd bullshit a little more right here to pad these features out, but holy shit you literally turn into a jar of jam in this game. Dunk Lords takes "over the top," puts rocket skates on ??it, runs it downhill on a luge, and beats the preteen world record for jumping over a pumpkin on flat land. Combining street basketball with sidescrolling beat-'em-ups, this game is to sports what Miles Teller is to not having a punchable face.

A. Jar. Of. Jam. You turn into a jar of jam. Like, a real container of jelly. I'm sure there's a gameplay reason for that beyond harkening back to its arcade roots, but I'm so over the edge at this point t?hat I don't really give a damn. Give me cats running on giant balls getting punched by bodybuilders while people turn into preserved fruits any day.

It bea??ts the hell ou??t of trying to make sense of the real world around us.

Bizzarioware Support Access Teaser from The Strangest Interactive on Vimeo.

Bizzarioware is something I'm pretty sure is banned under the guidelines of the Geneva Convention. Imagine all the fun microgames of the WarioWare world but on acid. And shrooms. And weed. And meth. And there's only a black light in the bathroom. What you'd puke up in that rancid pit of horrors is what we got with Bizzarioware.

I kind of don'?t even want to describe any of it. You can watch the trailer. ??You can learn for yourself.

Be a parrot as it, uh, does things. Fry shrimp in a frying pan as it, uh, nourishes people. Tee off into the goddamn apocalypse, because, uh, apparently the people who made this ga??me didn't give a shit about the laws of God or man or physics. Have you ever hit a golf ball into the nether? Neither have I. But this game really wants to challenge the few religious values we have in this country, starting with the sacred bond between a man, a stick, and some speckled balls.

So speckle those alternate reality balls good and hard, Bizarrioware. It's what Jesus would have wanted.

Now this? This is what I'm talking about. Remember the days of Custer's Revenge and Beat 'Em and Eat 'Em when it was all about making erotic themes as unbelievably unsexy as possible in a video game? Lust for Darkness continues that tradition with aplomb.

This game has everything that should be titillating. There's wanton sex with masked freaks. There are a couple of doors that look like armed vaginas. I think I even saw a monster that looks like a wiener! But in classic, video-game-sex tradition, everything is so mechanical and lifeless that it comes across as Christian-rooted Tool cover ban??d. Or as some ?call them, P.O.D.

Like, honestly, you expect this:

It's kinda sexy and mysterious, right? Like, it shows just enough to pique your interest, but still leaves a little something to the imagination. You're like, "Whoa, this is something I'll play after mom and dad go to bed so they won't know I'm doing wei?rd sex shit in a game," which is totally understandable. But then you fire it up and get this:

My mom was in ?the dining room absolutely cringing when I took that photo, by the way.

If a video game featuring the raw sex appeal of two Barbie dolls ??rubbing laboriously against one another while someone makes slapping sounds with a raw piece of ham against a wet plastic tub, then, by all means, get in on this game! Just be aware that you're going to see a lot of naked, grown men covered in ??mustard along the way.

See any weird shit out there lately? Send it my way, tacos@jbsgame.com. Nothing is too weird.

The post Getting Weird with Wes: Literal NBA jam, mini?-game h??ell, and I shaved my pubes for this?! appeared first on Destructoid.

Bring on the poops!!!

[Getting Weird with Wes is a series meant to highlight all the bizarre shit floating around out there in the ga?ming universe. I hate normal things. Join me in celebrating the strange.]

I think it's fair to say that the hardcore Destructoid reader has merely a passing interest in Call of Duty news. We cover those kinds of games, sure; but I honestly think that? for every person w??ho comes here for AAA games, there are five of me who come here for the weird, stupid garbage that G-Fuels our souls and reminds us of why we got into games in the first place. Imagination and stupidity are the only reasons I still play games, and I'd like to spread that to you like a very aggressive STD that antibiotics just can't quite seem to clear up.

Analytics are king, though, and unfortunately these articles don't get nearly as many views as stories where Randy Pitchford farts on his phone and goes on a 17-hour Twitter rant. So I'm trying something new, and appealing to the SEO gods with things that could be mistaken for porn! So if you like fingering and tonguing, sexy cats who are also strong and loyal, and frogs shooting poop, th??en welcome to Dtoid, intrepid and absolutely fucking weird random Google?? searcher!

The key to dominating SEO is repeating yourself and putting things that appeal to the average internet browser. So any game that features a level with wriggling fingers, gaping maws, and tongues wiggling in a Hellraiser-esque world of pain and pleasure should really bring in the?? readers! Who doesn't like fingers and ton?gues, after all?

Welcome to Tamashii, a game inspired by obscure Japanese hor??ror. When you combine the words "Japanese" and "horror,"? you're likely to pique my interest. And this game definitely has. There's weird magic and tongues and fingers. There's platforming and voodoo and religious symbols. There's chattering teeth and floating eyeballs and E.T. fetus babies. Um, where do I sign up?

??Did I mention there is fin??gering and tonguing in this game?

I don't link to games in these articles because I assume anyone who reads about games that a pervert like me would write ??about knows how to use Google, but if I did you'd definitely get a link right around here. I don't know what I'm looking at in that trailer, bu?t I think I just picked up a couple new fetishes. Please don't tell my mom I wrote that.

KINNIKUNEKO is NOW live on KICKSTARTER‼ï¸ðŸ’ªðŸ±ðŸ’¢ðŸ’¢ðŸŽ
🎊(You can PLAY the technical DEMO)🎊
YOUR RT CAN MAKE KINNIKUNEKO A REALITY🥰ðŸ‘
Thank you so much for ALL your support â¤ï¸â¤ï¸â¤ï¸
KICKSTARTER LINK : //t.co/3fYkKy3Zia#kinnikuneko #kickstarter #gamedev #madewithunity pic.twitter.com/sU9Teuyusd

— KINNIKUNEKO on KickStarter (@kamotachi) May 7, 2019

Speaking of fetishes, let's continue the weird SEO odyssey! If you like cats, sexy cats, muscular cats, c?ats you can bang, cats of a particular age, horny cats, cats in lingerie, cats on all fours, or cats in heat, then you'll love th??is game! Damn, I hope I covered all my weird cat fetishes there. I need the clicks.

KinnikuNeko tells the age-old story of a muscular man with a cat-head who has to beat up aliens using karate, guns, and his very powerful bonch. Some sexy alien lady and her henchmen that look suspiciously like the clowns from Killer Klowns from Outer Space want to kidnap sexy ??cat man's sexy cat sister, leading to this bizarre-but-erotic caper. You'll mow down space invaders with machine guns, flex at them until they're stiff with fear, and give 'em a good whackin' with your bulbous tally.

Man, I guess cats are pretty sexy, after all.

This one actually isn't out yet -- it's heading to Kickstarter soon. [UPDATE: Now live!] I wouldn't normally plug something this directly, but can you b?la?me me? If selling out to indie devs means I get to hip thrust aliens into oblivion with a manimal I'm sexually attracted to, then god damn it that's what I'll do. This one might be my very first Kickstarter pledge.

Are tongues, fingers, sexy cats, muscular bonches, fuckable aliens, and shameful boners not doing it for you, internet? Jesus, I really tried to cover all my bases here. Ok, what about frogs? Y'all like it froggy style, right? How's about a frog shooting poop. Not, ??like pooping projectiles, but literally fighting poop with a gun and his tongue. Will that finally bring in my SEO money?

Mongrel should do the trick. You're a frog who has for some reason been tasked with taking down a jerk who got flushed down the town toilet. Yeah, they apparently flush their criminals down the toilet in t?his game. In fact, they flush everything down the toilet in this game. Hence all the poop coming back for revenge.

Let's break this down real quick. A bunch of dumbshit rednecks have a town toilet that they flush ne'er-do-wells down. None of them seem to be very intelligent. They breathe very he?avily out of their mouths and they turn to a frogman when their town villain comes back covered in shit. He licks and shoots them. With his tongue and a gun, I guess.

They claim th??is game is in a mythical realm, but I guess Alabama counts as a mythical realm to regular folk.

Toilets. Poop. Frogs. Tongues. Guns. Rednecks. This is A?merica, folks. God bl??ess the USA.

See any weird shit out there lately? Send it my way, tacos@jbsgame.com. Nothing is too weird.

The post Getting Weird with Wes: Fingers ‘n tongues, a strong and sexy cat, and frogs fight poop in Alabama appeared first on Destructoid.

That iguana sounds pretty dope

Enter today's contest to win a Blu-ray copy of Arrow Video's The Iguana with the Tongue of Fire!

What I like about these movie contest partnerships with MVD Entertainment is I get to see a bunch of weird stuff I'd have probably never heard of. Today's movie is one of those -- The Iguana with the Tongue of Fire is a '70s giallo that's self-indulgent, ev??en for the self-indulg??ent genre. I'd like to think that describes me pretty well.

So, we've got some copies up for grabs. Come?? grab one!

Read this!

One of several "animal-in-the-title" cash-ins released in the wake of Dario Argento's box-office smash The Bird with the Crystal Plumage, The Iguana with the Tongue of Fire is a gloriously excessive giallo that boasts a rogues gallery of perverse characters; violent, fetishized murders, and one of the genre's most nonsensical, red-herring laden plots (which sees almost every incidental character hinted at potentially being the killer). Set in Dublin (a rather surprising giallo setting), Iguana opens audaciously with an acid-throwing, razor-wielding maniac brutally slaying a woman in her own home. The victim's mangled corpse is discovered in a limousine owned by Swiss Ambassador Sobiesky and a police investigation i?s launched, but when the murdering continues and the ambassador claims diplomatic immunity, tough ex-cop John Nortonis brou?ght in to find the killer...

My favorite part of these kinds of movies is how pulpy they are. Also the murderer both has a razor blade and throws acid for n?o apparent r?eason. It's silly, and it's fun.

To enter to win your copy, comment below telling us what ridiculous combination of weaponry you'd use if you were a deranged serial killer in 1970s Dublin. I'd use shoelaces to strangle my enemies (and also carry my school books around) and a plastic straw to poison the Earth, resulting in my enemies' inevitable death! I know I'd probably have to wait ??a while for the plastic straw thing to work out, but dude it's gonna be so worth it when they're all like, "Oh? shit I'm dying because of a plastic straw in the ocean, help me!!!" and I'm like, "Yeah, I did that."

We have two Blu-rays to give away. Since this is a physical prize, you must have a United States shipping address in order to win. Winners will be drawn on Tuesday, April 30. New users can sign up here and describe their miraculous?ly stupid murder weapons!

The Iguana with the Tongue of Fire is available now from MVD Entertainment. Head over to Flixist for more chances to win!

The post Contest: Win Arrow Video’s The Iguana with the Tongue of Fire appeared first on Destructoid.

Steam lol drugs lol

Smoke the competition in today's contest for a Steam copy of Weedcraft Inc.

Ok, I'm going to resist making any more drugs j??okes in this post. There have already been like three, and that's just in the title and subheader alone. Anyway, those chiefs of kief over at Devolver Digital went and gave us some more keys. And it couldn't? be a more appropriate title for this day.

Come win a copy of Weedcraft Inc. We won't tell your mom.

Our good friend Nina Struthers has some sound-dong???? for your ear-butts.

If you've ever wondered what it's like to build your own pot empire, then you're in luck! (And if you haven't, shut up and just listen, anyway.) Devolver Digital's first original IP Weedcraft Inc takes you into the world of legally running your own marijuana pro??duction company. Grow your crop, market your goods, and take over the world by providing your customers with the highest quality of bud in town. An oddly intriguing story mode t??akes you beat by beat as you rise up in the world of cannabis, all told as only Devolver can.

...I kind of love Devolver. Can you tell?

To enter to win, comment below telling ??us how you like to celebrate this high holy of holidays. I'm not saying you have to partake in a certain activity to join in! I'm just not condemning any such action. As for me, my band is playing a Legalize It festival, and we play at 4:20. Lol.

We have ten Steam keys to give out. Winners will be drawn Thursday, April 25. Make sure to comment using a Dtoid account with your current email address on file. New users can sign up here to share your holiday plans!

Weedcraft Inc is available now for PC. Head over to PC Invasion for more chances to win.

The post 4/20 Contest: Win a Steam (lol) copy of Devolver Digital’s Weedcraft Inc appeared first on Destructoid.

Why am I the way I am?

Enter our contest for a Blu-ray copy of The Greasy Strangler.

I don't have many words for this one, so just ??play along with me, here.

I've got two Blu-ray copies of The Greasy Strangler. Why? I don?'t know. I'm just pla?in broken, I guess. But now you have to take them.

I actually found a semi-SFW trailer! And ?it makes it kind of better. Depending on who you ask.

Here is the official synopsis of the film:

When Big Ronnie and his son Brayden meet female tourist Janet on Big Ronnie's Disco Walking Tour -- the?? best and only disco walking tour in the city -- a fight for Janet's heart erupts between father and son, and the infamous "Greasy Strangler" is unleash??ed.

Yep, that's what we're dealing with, here. ??I don't know why ??I do these things, but I do.

Why do I do these things? Answer that question below and you'll be entered to win a ??copy. I don't have an answer, so maybe one of you ?can tell me why I'm so drawn to this kind of stuff.

We have two Blu-rays to give away; you must have a United States shipping address to win. Winners will be drawn on Monday, March 18. Make sure to comment using a Dtoid account with your current email address on file. New users can sign up here to give me some free therapy.

The Greasy Strangler is available now from our friends over at MVD Entertainment Group. You can find more chances to win over at Flixist, if you're into that sort of thing.

The post Contest: Win a Blu??-ray copy o?f The Greasy Strangler appeared first on Destructoid.

Turn it on to get turned on

The console space is all but locked up at this point with the three major manufacturers enjoying a stranglehold on the industry. Sure, there are attempts at alternatives, like the?? ill-fated Ouya, and I guess the Apple TV a??nd Amazon Fire TV could technically be considered consoles. But even with those options, there isn’t much room for a fourth console manufacturer in gaming.

Or is there?

Maybe those other consoles have been trying too hard to appeal to everyone when they should have gone after a more niche market, one currently not being served by Nintendo, Xbox, or Sony. You can buy almost any type of game on their systems, everything from family-friendly puzzlers to extremely violent shooters, but there is one genre you won't find on any of their storefronts: adult games. Sexy time games have been banished from consoles since the '80s and even titles that aren't necessarily explicit can sometimes have their content changed or face??? outright cancellation at the behest of the gatekeepers. Why, oh why, isn’t there a console for the adult gamer enthusiasts among us? Well, now there is. 

It’s called the…console. I guess Sexbox was too on the nose. Unoriginal name aside, the device is from Nutaku, one of the most well-known? names in adult gaming, and is a Windows-based platform that comes pre-loaded with the Nutaku Desktop Application. Also, it’s shaped like a boob. Players will have access to more than 200 free-to-play and premium adult games out of the box, however, it does not seem like a controller is included in the package.

The console itself features a silicone covered shell with a “flesh-like feel” and the nipple acts as the power button. There are also two USB ports, an HDMI port, audio jack, and wireless internet connection. The Nutaku Console will be available in limited quantities and will retail ??for $169. As of the posting of this story, the listing for the console says it is sold out but it appears they are restocking.

The post Finally, a console for the boob love??rs among us ??(NSFW) appeared first on Destructoid.

Intrigue, murder, and revenge

For the rest of the month of October, we've partnered with Arrow Video for exclusive contests on some of their weirdest, scariest, goriest, and schlockiest films. Get ready to bathe in the ?warm karo syrup of their new release Blu-ray films.

This week's feature: A double dose of intrigue, murder, and revenge with Blood and Black Lace and Arrow's Deadbeat at Dawn!

First up is Deadbeat at Dawn from Arrow Video. This classic 80s revenge thriller is as brutal as it is violent. When the semi-hilariously-named Goose tries to break free from the thug life, the thug life comes back for blood. Now with a dead gir??lfriend, a thirst for revenge, and some ??conveniently-placed nunchucks, Goose is on the loose. Heads are shot, arms are broken, and ninja stars are thrown in this gloriously 80s DIY film.

Next, 60s stylish classic Blood and Black Lace from VC??I Entertainment. A killer is on the loose in a fashion house turned bordello, and they're focusing on the exotic working ladies of the building. A drug-dealing boyfriend of one of the victims is accused, but could the answer truly be that simple? This film is an Italian classic and well ahead of its time in cinematography and brutality -- definitely one to have in your collection!

For your chance to win, comment below telling us which movie you want. If it's Deadbeat at Dawn you're after, tell us your favorite conveniently-placed ninja weapon with which to dispatch generic inner city street toughs. If it's Blood and Black Lace you crave, tell us y?our kinky secret that set you on a model murdering spree.

We have two copies of each movie to give out. Winners wil??l be drawn Monday, October 29. These are physical prizes, and as such, you must have a United States shipping address in order to win. Make sure you comment using a Dtoid account with your current email address on file.

Deadbeat at Dawn and Blood and Black Lace are both available now at reputable and disreputable retailers. Head over to Flixist for more chances to win!

The post Contest: Win? a Blu-ray copy of Deadbeat at Dawn or Blood and Black Lace appeared first on Destructoid.

A hip-hop stoner noir

Life sucks sometimes. Kick back and enjoy a free Steam game! Enter our contest for your chance to win Stone: A Hip-Hop Stoner Noir.

It doesn't?? happen very often, but from time to time I get press for a game that perfectly gels with my personality. It usually contains a lot of profanity and a r?idiculous pitch that'd be a tough sell for your average gaming site. This sort of thing allows me to let loose and match the tone of the game, meaning I can say the F word and stuff in a giveaway post!

This is one of those games. Check out Stone -- it's a self-de?scribed hop-hop stoner noir, and I've got 15 keys to give out! Fuck yeah!

Meet Stone, a fat, lovable, kind-of-an-asshole koala who just woke up h??ungover as dick. All he really wants to know is just what the fuck happened last night, and where the fuck his bae, Alex (a lorikeet, no less), got to. Thus, his adventure begins as he goes around town trying to put the pieces of his night back together. You'll encounter kooky and foul-mouthed animals of Oldtown as you interrogate citizens, play minigames, and watch pu??blic domain movies on your television.

I??'m going to copy and paste this next bit because I? love it:

KEY FUCKIN’ FEATURES

• Inspired by classic stoner-noir films, underground art forms and writers such as Charles Bukowski, Ernest Hemingway, Hunter S Thompson and Thomas Pynchon.
• Take a “hard ass” or “soft-touch” approach while conversing with an insane cast of characters with hilarious accents and an attitude problem to figure out what the fuck happened last night.
• Spend time watching public domain films, exploring diverse locales, going clubbing, drinking, smoking and chilling.

Take note, ?devs: If you want me to notice your game, put a shit-talking koala detective in it and make him a degenerate like me.

Our friends at Convict Games want to know: What the fuck happened to you last night? Comment below with your tale of debauchery, lewdity, or all-around dipshittery to enter for your chance to win. I watched Halloween while drinking white wine on the sofa. Wait that'??s not crazy at all. Shit, guess I can't win. :(

Our 15 winners will be randomly drawn on Friday, September 28. Please make sure you comment using a Dtoid-generated Disqus account, and that your email address is up to date in your profile. If I can't email you, you'll miss out on an alcoholic fat koala detective. That b?lood will be on your hands.

Stone is available now on Steam.

The post Contest: Win a free Steam key for Stone appeared first on Destructoid.

Questions of morality

Crusader Kings II is a fantastic strateg??y game that ??combines the best of real-world geographical locations, history, and unique player-driven stories. That said, when I'm not playing Crusader Kings II, one of my favorite pastimes is browsing the communit?y?? page on Steam or the various subreddits.

Why? It's simple: without the lens of context, i??t becomes one of the most hilarious (and disturbing) communities out there.

Truly, one of the mo??st troubling things a father can go through is trying to stop his son from banging his own mother. Thankfully, it would seem Reddit user AlphaCodeNumerial found a solution. Sadly, though, thei?r son won't be entering the priesthood anytime soon.

Reddit user sta6 asks a simple query, and in return, receives an answer that will result in attractive, genius, and inbred weaponized superhuman children. Now all they have to d??o is convince their cousin!

Reddit user Tutorele wen?t down a very dark path.? Now it would seem they're paying the consequences. Here's hoping their plea for help is answered. My advice: maybe do some soul searching (if you still have one)?

You've? gotta hate when that happens. Thankfully for Reddit user A_Sentient_Top_Hat, if their husband isn't in heaven now, he certainly was beforehand.

On the plus side, perhaps he'll be an inbred superhuman that ca??n be weaponized?

For those of you interested in more out-of-context hilarity from the Crusader Kings II community, I highly recommend you check out the ShitCrusaderKingsSay subreddit for more! You can also check out some more images I whipped up in the g?allery below. Enjoy!

The post Crusader Kings II’s community is hilarious when taken out of context appeared first on Destructoid.

Together. Forever. Together. Forever.

[We Community Managers usually like to add a witty intro to promoted community blogs to get readers in the right mood. Unfortunately, any attempt at outwitting The Actual Charlton Heston's NieR: Automata exposé would be in vain. It blew me away in more ways than one. - Bass]

Howdy. Been a piece since I wrote a blog. How are ??you? How have you been? Me, I've been grappling with such giants as meth distribution, and on occasion, recreational pottery making. These combined endeavors t??ake up most of my time: hush now, it's not that I don't love you. I just needed some personal time to assess my feelings.

I'm writing this because, as the title suggests, LaTerry (who is, in fact, a real dragon) has graciously provided the community with another Band of Bloggers prompt. That prompt is robo??ts. I like robots. Do you like robots? Some robots in Japan will let you have sex with them, and it is not illegal, even thou??gh they can't say no. I think that's pretty cool because I like sex and I like robots.

The peak of sensuality

You may now be wondering what a Japanese sex robot has to do with video games. Well, everything. Or possibly nothing. Honestly, I'm on the fence here, but I had to somehow justify mentioning my love for fucking dead-eyed Japanese sex puppets, or you guys might think I'm creepy. I don't want that, my mom doesn't want that, and I'm going to hazard speaking for the community at large and say that you — dearest reader — don't want that.

Anyway, I'm here to write about a game that features robots, that I have drunkenly played for maybe an hour: I am unsure. That game is NieR: Automata.

As far as I can gather, this is a game about a blind robot who is also a maid, and she is desperately trying to teach us the true meaning of Christmas using only her ass

The first thing I'd like to say about NieR: Automata is that it is a fun video game to play. There, I encapsulated my feelings for the gameplay in a single easy-to-understand sentence. But I am not finished, so strap the fuck in, because I'm about to strap the fuck on.

It has been (erroneously) stated time and again that 2B is eminently fuckable; that she is the bee's knees, the top "waifu," the cat's meow; that she is what many of you see when you clos?e your eyes and allow the silent darkness to escort you in to the sweet embrace of your most lurid wet dreams.

Y?ou are all wrong, and I'm about ??to science the shit out of this to prove it. Because I have nothing to lose and God is dead.

This is the true peak of fuckability

Look at it: gaze upon its form, and be swallowed by the terrible finality of it; the gruesome reality that you will never find a more perfect thing to do the sex with/on. Know in your heart of hearts that all eroticism stops here. It cannot go any further. You want to fuck this robot. You need to fuck thi??s robot. Do not deny yourself the pleasures of its cold, rusted form. Do not deny the swelling in your heart that cries, "Yes, this thing is the only thing I ever need penetrate."

One of these things is for sex; the other one is 2B

You are in denial, I know; as I once was. "Charlton," you cry, "You are wrong! These robots have no sexy lingerie! They have neither breasts nor supple ass! I would sooner turn on my blender and fuck it than I would one of those rusted, assless affronts to the name of Jesus!" But, what have you to lose, if you entertain my righteous cause for even a brief moment? Further, what have you to gain? Ah. The answer to the former is, "nothing"; the answer to the latter? Everything.

From here on, for the sake of the children, all of the robots will be censored, in accordance with 1 Timothy 2:9 which states, "Likewise also that women [sex robots] should adorn themselves in respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control..."

Do not forever tether yourself to denial; flush from your spirit all feelings of apprehension, and shatter every last wall of do?ubt. Community, I beseech you — all of you — to dig deep. Tear down your posters of 2B and 9S. They are base harlots. They can never truly please you; they can never truly fulfill you.

Let the scales fall from thine eyes!

I have made my case. It is air-tight; it is bulletproof. The onus is on you — each of you— to turn from lies and to now tread the path to truth. I cannot walk the path for you. I can merely show you the way. I cannot masturbate for you, for you must take your own dong in hand/vigorously apply vibrator, of your own accord. I don't want to overstate the gravity of this, but this might be the most im??portant decision you ever make. So, please, I implore you all one final time: make the right one.

Fuck. This. Robot.

I am actual?ly Charlton Heston, and I endorse this message with all of my heart and ??with every last inch of my dong.

The post Band of Bloggers: The robots of NieR: Automata appeared first on Destructoid.

Another quality article from Destructoid

2017 was the year fishmen suddenly became sexy. Not just among the weeaboo anime-tentacle-monster crowd, but among mainstream audiences too. It started with rule 34 star Prince Sidon from The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild last March but really caught fire when the first trailer for The Shape of Water – the movie everybody on Twitter claimed to invent the phrase “Grinding Nemo” for – debuted online. Don’t know how, don’t know why, but last year ended on a weird note with women across the ??in?ternet fantasizing about a scaly, salinated South American sea creature that wooed Sally Hawkins out of her clothes and into a sex scene that guaranteed she lost the deposit on her apartment.

Women got hot and heavy over these guys like Troy McClure at an aquarium, prompting articles like this, this, and this. The dildo inspired by Guillermo Del Toro’s creature straight up sold out over Oscar weekend. I guess after a year of learning every man on the planet is a sex monster, a sea monster suddenly didn’t look so bad. Women took one look at Doug Jones’ creepily spread?????????????????????????? out eyes and decided they, like Kanye, love fish sticks.

You know what ladies? Go ahead. Enjoy your fishmen with their fibroelastic penises and their all-egg-and-cat-head diet. I’m sure that will make for some lovely morning breath. Go ahead and run off into the ocean with your creatures from the lame lagoon because I also learned something from the movies in 2017: we don’t need you anymore. Between Kofi Siriboe with two grapefruits in Girls Trip and Timothée Chalamet going to town on that peach in Call Me By Your Name, it seems to me men can? just get by just fine with a nice ripe?? piece of fruit.

So while you’re still thinking of how fun it would be to have an overgrown Murloch go down on you while signing fewer words than Koko??, I&rsq??uo;ve compiled this list of the absolute best video game fruit to fuck.

Peach

According to Call Me By Your Name, a peach is a viable substitute for Armie Hammer’s butthole, and there are no better peaches in gaming than the ones that grow in your Animal Crossing t??own. So shake a tree, pop out the seed, and go to town pretending that piece of fruit is a young Billy Graham. Or, use two at a time and just tell yourself it’s th??e Winklevoss Twins.

Paopu Fruit

According to legend, “If two people share a Paopu Fruit, their destinies become intertwined. They’ll remain a part of each other’s lives no matter what.” Well, according to a different legend, if two guys share a Paopu Fruit using their dicks, they’ll finally understand the entirety of the Kingdom Hearts storyline.

Giant Orange

The Bubble Bobble series has a wide array of food a drunk fraternity pledge would shove his dick into as part of hazing ritual that his brothers tell him builds character and strengthens their bonds somehow, but this list is only focusing on fruit so suck it cakes. Diehard fans of the series know a regular orang??e is only worth 700 points, but a ?giant orange is worth a whopping 20,000 points, making it 28 times more worthy of your dick than the smaller variety. That’s science.

Lemons

It's everything you need for you, Sully, and Karl Schäfer to have yourself a lemon party.

Super Mario Sunshine

Super Mario’s vacation to Delfino Island was a bright and cheery adventure full of surf, san??d,?? and succulent fruit just waiting to have your dick stuck in them. But not all fruit in this tropical paradise is created equal. In fact, some of it can be quite dangerous. So, to save you some pain, I’ve created this handy-dandy infographic to let you know which fruits are okay to fuck, and which ones you should avoid.

Dr. Peelgood

You might be asking yourself “Why Dr. Peelgood? Why not Nanaman or Sea of Thieves' whole bananas or any of the bananas from the Donkey Kong franchise?”? Why? I’ll tell you why. Because this is Destructoid goddammit, and if there is one thing we have an affinity towards here, it’s giant purple things from games you stick in your ass.

Wumpa Fruit

Wumpa Fruit has been a mainstay of the Crash Bandicoot series since the origina??l games all the way back on the PlayStation. It’s Crash’s favorite fruit and if he collects 100 of them, he earns an extra life. Little known fact, if he puts his dick in 100 of them, he earns two extra lives. That’s why when you’re at your local farmers market this weekend, you need to make sure you put your dick in every Wumpa Fruit you can find. That way you’ll live forever.

Watermelon

Perhaps you’re one of the 37 people who remember the scene from 8 Days a Week or maybe you’ve lingered too long in the produce section of your local grocery store while gently tapping watermelons looking for that perfect, almost-hollow sound, but putting your junk in a watermelon is the most obvious example of fruit fucking there is, or so I've been told. And there is no more famous a watermelon than the one from Super Mario World 2: Yoshi’s Island.

But guess what, this is a trick entry. That’s right, you should not stick yo dick in the Yoshi’s Island watermelon because it is chock full of seeds. That’s dangerous from what I understand and certainly not from one lonely night two years ago. So unless you want to explain to an emergency room nurse how a big black seed got stuck in your urethra, do not try to have sex with the Yoshi’s Island watermelon. Also, avoid the Fruit Ninja watermelons cause they got seeds in them too.

Bill

Like you wouldn't.

The post Gaming’s most bonable fruit, ranked appeared first on Destructoid.

No, really

Every once in a while something comes along that's so remarkably on-brand for us that it's hard for us to say no. We long for the opportunity to get our hands on it, and savor every last drop. Genital Jousting, a game where ?you play as a dick with a butthole, is the ??best example of this.

In his review, Peter says, "Genital Jousting is crude, for certain, but it showcases how imaginative and creative gaming can truly be. When I was a child, I never?? thought I’d have the fortune of playing as a flaccid dick in a game, but look where we are." If that doesn't get you nice and turgid for this gam??e, nothing will.

Except for this.

Our friends over at Devolver Digital, publisher of Genital Jousting, have gifted us with 10 PC keys of this arousing little title. Attached to the code i?s a?? giant plush cock. It makes noises when you squeeze it. Why are you still reading this and not commenting below?

To get your hands (you'll need both) on the cock, all you?? have to do is comment below with places to which ??it might be inappropriate to bring your new stuffed...uh...toy...along. The contest runs today through next Monday, February 19, whereupon ten lucky winners will be pulled off at random from the commenters below.

Some ground rules: Make sure your Disqus email is one you can acc?ess before commenting, as that's how I'll be contacting winners. Also, you must be at least 18 years of age (as always, but just a friendly re?minder) to win. And only residents of the US of A (again, as always) are eligible to win. By entering the contest you are acknowledging that all of the above are true, firm, and up in attention to the laws of the land.

STAND ERECT FOR BONUS DICK JOKE ACTION:

Devolver gets us, and as such is providing a special discount code to you, the beautiful souls of Destructoid. Visit their site and enter promo code ALSOCOCKS to receive 25% off the Genital Jousting plush?. So even if you do win a free one, you'll have another to cuddle at night. Two cocks are better than one, as they say. Bless.

The post Contest: We’re giving away 10 copies of Genital Jousting. Also, cocks! appeared first on Destructoid.

Some people were born with a chip on their shoulder

Just when you thought the internet couldn’t possibly get any creepier, pornbots have officially made their way onto PSN.?&??nbsp;

I would have probably just brushed this story off as just a bunch of dumb nonsense, but this actually happened to me. It all started with a random user adding me to a group chat. I play games with various folks on the internet all the time, so this didn’t immediately ra??ise any red flags. That changed rather q??uickly as the conversation evolved from innocent “school” talk to “how big is it?”

That’s right, folks! Pornbots have, without question, now invaded our console gaming space. Is this the future?!? A few years from now, am I going to be unable to login to PSN without some random creeper asking me to “cum join my private chat”?!? Other users have, apparently, experienced this issue as well over the past couple of months on both NeoGAF and GameFAQs.

This may seem absolutely hilarious right now, but this could actually become a genuine problem in the near future. I mean, legitimately, a lot of kids use the PlayStation 4 every single day. Most parents aren’t even aware of parental controls or just how connected gaming systems are to the world wide web. I hate to say it, but, if this is going to become a “thing” now, maybe Nintendo’s online chat options aren’t such a terrible idea…. (Just kidding. They?'re bad. Th??ey're still very, very bad...)

Don’t get me wrong here. I love porn just as much as the next schmuck, but&helli??p;…

_{For anyone curious, here is a slew of screenshots detailing our conversation…..}

The future is now.

The post Pornbots are invading PSN appeared first on Destructoid.

Twitch police

The Tearoom is based on a hidden surveillance camera sting carried out in 1962 by the police in Mansfield, Ohio (a city I've frequently been in my entire life). The police set up a two-way mirror and filmed local gay men having sexual contact with each other, then used said footage to put them behind bars for a year or more under th??e now-defunct sodomy l?aws the state had at the time. The game's name comes from the slang term used to designate bathrooms used for cruising (hooking up with strangers in public), tearooms.

Yang is actually one of the most-banned developers on Twitch, and The Tearoom serves as a message not only to those in power at Twitch but to t??he video game industry as a whole??:

"Today in 2017, police still target? men who have sex with men -- and in video game land, I still have to deal with Twitch banning my gay games by secret trial as if they're the fucking game police. So to appeas?e this oppressive conservative gamer-surveillance complex, I have swapped out any pesky penises in my game for the only thing that the game industry will never moderate nor ban -- guns. Now, there's nothing wrong with guys appreciating other guys' guns, right?"

In The Tearoom, your goal is to peek at men as they use the urinal until they do the same to you, at which point they w?hip out their fleshy gun-shaped penises for you to lick in the first-person till they swell and colorize into realistic guns which then shoot hot loads of bullets loudly onto your face. You also have to avoid the cops while doing so, so you're forced to constantly look out a nearby window to make sure a cruiser isn't pulling up to arrest you for licking another man's gun. Each gun you lick to completion is presented as a trophy in a nearby stall as if hung from a glory hole, but if you're busted by the cops your progress is erased, so look before you lick!

If you'd like to know more about the historical events The Tearoom is based on (and even see footage from the police sting), you can check out Yang's lengthy blog which also details his reasoning behind making the game and the design process. Be warned, there are spoilers for those who plan on playing the game, so maybe read it after giving it a go. One fact Yang doesn't point out is that during the 1960s, anal intercourse was considered taboo among gay men to the point that they had a slur fo?r those who did it: brownies, thus why you're only performing oral here.

The post This historical public gay sex simul?ator replaces penises with?? guns appeared first on Destructoid.

Dick GIFs > Dick pics

In the opening minutes of sandbox survival game Conan Exiles, your character is strung up to a cross before he is fortuitously saved by Conan himself. But, in those precious moments before, you get to customize yourself mid-crucifixion. That's when Conan Exiles unleashes the dick slider.

Although it's tastefully called "Endowment," the dick slider wiggles the wang to and fro as you decide exactly how much to endow yourself. Be warned that the rest of this article is probably ?NSFW if you work somewhere that frowns upon dumb video game cock and balls GI??Fs. (Me? I work somewhere that actively encourages me to seek them out.)

Friend of the site Hayden Dingman is playing the Early Access version of Conan Exiles. Here's him showing off that dick slider:

This is NSFW as fuck but like, come on, I'm fucking laughing so hard I've got tears coming out my eyes. //t.co/lry32YoSeR

— Hayden Dingman (@haydencd) January 30, 2017

Here's him doing some naked squats in the sand:

Ho. Ly. Shit. Conan Exiles is going to kill me. //t.co/RG7q3ZcEcK

— Hayden Dingman (@haydencd) January 31, 2017

In a message from Hayden, he told me "My dick is just flopping all over the place as I run." Conan Exiles: Good Game.

The post Uhh, come check out Conan Exiles’ big swingin’ dicks appeared first on Destructoid.

Santa Claus is COMING to town

He sees you when you're sleepin'
He knows when you're awake
He knows if you've been bad or good
So be good for goodness sake
Oh! You better watch out, you better not cry
Better not pout, I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is comin' to town

And when he comes, he'll have a big red ??bag filled to the brim (practically seeping) with Steam games. Thankfully, he checks out this here weekly feature about the best games releasing each week so he is sure to bring you just the good ones and not asset-flipped t??rash. 

Forgotten presents of last week

I'm damned near perfect, but sometimes Steam games slip through the cracks, or stealth release on Steam thus missing out on the free coverage I give them. So here are the ones that I missed last week. 

Anime girls with ridiculously oversized 'perfect' tits in a fighting game isn't exactly new or edgy at this point, but the PC port of Nitroplus Blasterz: Heroines Infinite Duel seems worth a play for 2D fighting fans. The characters here hail from various anime, manga, and other weeb fare, none of which I'm familiar with. Destructoid's former weeaboo-in-chief Kyle MacGregor gave the game's PS4 version a pretty positive review saying, "Even though I still have no idea who most of th??ese characters are... this is a fighter I could see myself enjoying for a long time to come." Plus the PC version is enhanced, has DLC included in the main package, and there is a girl with cats that follow her around. You know me??, I love me some pussy. 

In the era of free-to-play card games, somehow Konami's Yu-Gi-Oh! continues to sell like hot cakes including the latest release subtitled Legacy of the Duelist. While the main game retails for $20, there is over $80 worth of DLC currently available, which seems like a lot, but I've spent well over $300 on Hearthstone alone. One Steam review raves, "I've been waiting YEARS for a good Yu-Gi-Oh! game to come to steam, for the $20 there's a ton of content and I couldn't be more pleased." Some of the negative reviews complain that the game's visuals are lacking and that mouse support has some issues (this game was released on PS4 and Xbox One over a year ago). Another reviewer is upset that cards are too easy to get, which seems like a positive w?here I'm sitting at??. 

As a hardcore tactical stealth game Shadow Tactics: Blades of the Shogun doesn?'t interest me, as I don't have the patience for stealth let alone ma?ny things that qualify as hardcore these days. But this game is just so easy on the eyes, with beautiful cutscenes that make me wish this were a full-length film. Currently, the game is rated overwhelmingly positive by the over 500 reviews on Steam that absolutely rave about the game. If you're still unsure, there is even a free demo. Such a novel idea in 2016!

Last week's list featured a lot of free games and turns out I missed one. Hunger Dungeon is a free-to-play round-based MOBA that looks like a cross between Battlerite and Nuclear Throne with a hint of Gauntlet.  The reviews for the game are mostly positive, though a?? ??few do note that you have to pay $12 to unlock the other characters. Many reviews say it is an above-average MOBA while more critical reviews say the premium characters are far more powerful. Classic MOBA sales tactic.

This week's games that smell better than shit

This week Santa brings us a ??bunch of hip indie games that the type of people who like arty or narrative or gay games will like. Also known as my people.

If you have a lot of parties and need some entertainment, then indie PC gaming is where it is at, as there seem to be casual couch competitive games releasing nearly weekly, one of which is BOTOLO. From what I can gather this seems to be some kind of a cross between king-of-the-hill, sumo wrestling, and LSD. If anything it is beautiful, so for that alone BOTOLO has earned its spot on this smell-go??od list.

Bamboo EP is a collection of three small bamboo-themed games, though one is just an interactive title screen, the other two are the ones that tickle my fancy. One of them is a dodgeball game, which is probably my favorite sport as far as video games go. Sadly it is underrepresented in the gaming world. The other is a "fast-paced slice-em-up" that reminds me of Nidhogg if it were an adventure title. Love the style, I just hope the gameplay ?can matc?h!

Any game with a title like Escape from Pleasure Planet that is gay-themed and has a scene where you're in a bathtub with a buff man horse with rippling abs gets a free pass to be included on this here list (take note indie devs!). Not a huge fan of point-and-click adventure games, but I do enjoy some campy gay media. Unfortunately for the developers, it seems a softcore porn (read: porn where you can't see the genitals but lots of fucking still happens with no money shots which is a thing some people enjoy for some reason) with the same title released this year. I only know this beca??use it is easily findable on YouTube and it is completely uncensored. So for you straight fellas looking for some sci-fi softcore, you're welcome? I skimmed the whole movie; the guys are pretty hot, but I enjoy lanky pale dudes. 

Elena: German VR Gone Home. That tells you enough to know i??f you'll like it or use i?t as a straw-man argument till the day you die.

---

Another week, another bunch of indie games for Steam that appear to be decent. By the way, last week we hit the nail on the head as all the games listed have positive reviews with the Undertale-like OneShot being quite well-received. Also, Space Hulk: Deathwing either slipped from last week to this week, or I don't underst??and how to read. One or the other.

Anything I missed releasing this week? Are you a developer, publisher, or concerned reader and want to make sure I don't miss a game? Then feel free to comment, shoot me an email, or hit me up on Twitter. While you'r??e at it, shoot me a key? for your game so I can let our readers know with confidence that your game is worth a look!

The post Hot and Steamy: Santa Claus won’t let you escape from his pleasure planet appeared first on Destructoid.

The more you cry the lewder it gets

If you were hoping for Right to Censor to show up and put Team Ninja in a headlock, I'm sorry to say Team Ninja executed a perfect reversal-into-Stinkface.

Free DLC swimsuits that you can download right now are a collaboration with Keijo, a manga and anime series that is basically an even more lewd version of Dead or Alive Xtreme if you can believe it.

The kicker is these costumes tear away and reveal quite a lot of skin. The game already featured "swimsuit malfunction," which was basicall??y limited to strings coming lose. Talk about upping the ante.

Is it coincidence the games I have recently written about involve girls clothes getting ripped off, or is my subconscious doing a thing? It's the former, but I don't have any shame playing such games. Yo??u shouldn't either.

Japanese people do not have the same ideas regarding sexualization as some westerners do. The Amazon reviews are mostly critical of the games' lack of content, grinding, and pricey DLC; not its objectification of women. Their reviews, along with Jed's, are accurate in my opinion: as a game, it's not ?very good. But do ?we need to be married to the term "game?"

Yes, it is essentially soft-core porn, but so what? Interactive media comes in many shapes, some being more like movies, some being more like digital board games, an??d some being like books. So why not venture into pornography? I think we get too wrapped up in the term "game" in "video game." It's an adaptive media to be used ??for various purposes.

If we applied the same criticism to games like Until Dawn, The Walking Dead, King of Dragon Pass, or Ace Attorney for their gameplay like we do Dead or Alive Xtreme, they ??would also probably deserve a low rating. However, those are just a few examples of games?? that transcend mere gameplay.

Maybe you're moaning about another Dead or Alive Xtreme article, but all jokes aside I g??enuinely think it continues to be an int??eresting case-study on the broadening of the medium.

The post Koei Tecmo’s response to DOAX3 criticism? Rip their clothes off in free DLC appeared first on Destructoid.

For PlayStation Vita, of course

There are some things in life that can only be regarded as a tragedy. From one's apparent inability to use a Bowser amiibo?? in its intended manner, to Sony's constant disregard for the PlayStation Vita, save for its recent announcement of a couple of additional colour schemes for the handheld. One of such tragedies is the fact that Destructoid simply hasn't gotten around to covering Compile Heart's Vita-exclusive role-playing game, Divine Prison Tower: Mary Skelter before now.

As a bit of backstory, Mary Skelter takes place in a large and impenetrable asylum, imaginatively referred to as "Jail." There, a team of anime girls, known as the Chishiki Girls Squad, and the player?? character must work together to escape the prison that confines th??em.

The trailer, which you can view below (in whatever state of undress you so desire), demonstrates the game's "purification" system. According to Gematsu, as the Chis?hiki Girls battle?? enemies, they'll slowly become impure and can enter a state of frenzy. This means that they'll attack anyone and anything, including members of their own party.

Players will have to perform a touchscreen mini-game in order to purify the Chishiki Girls?? and put an end ?to their state of frenzy. Specifically, they will have to rub the screen repeatedly. While this occurs, the member of the Chishiki Girls Squad who is being purified will lose more and more of their clothing.

Given the fanservice-laden nature of the footage displayed in the trailer, I'm almost certain that Compile Heart expects players to partake in a different form of rubbing? whenever they have to purify members of their party.

Divine Prison Tower: Mary Skelter&n??bsp;is set for release on October 1??3 in Japan. There is currently no word on a Western localisation.

Mary Skelter [Compile Heart via Gematsu]

The post ??Have a look at this highly NSFW Divine Prison T?ower: Mary Skelter trailer appeared first on Destructoid.

Mara rides again, so NSFW

Ever since we came up with the idea for Occamsdex, I have been looking for the excuse to do a Shin Megami Tensei entry, as it i??s my favorite ??RPG series. Besides, what would you expect from someone that named themselves after Pixie the Fairy?

With the release of Shin Megami Tensei IV: Apocalypse this week, I have the perfect excuse to do just that and I turned to the community last week to submit their favorite demonic beasties and deities from that multi-faceted series. Turns out I got more submissions than I did for No Man's Sky. Enough that we may return to SMT again in time.

So what happens when something leaps from the mind of Kazuma Kaneko into the eyeballs of c??????????????????????????ommunity manager Occams? Enter the Cathedral of Shadows and find out!

Ose

Looks like if Drizzt Do'Urden was a furry. You have to give credit to the beast king fella who is comfortable in a very dramatic cape and the same loincloth/codpiece that Sting wore in Dune.

According to the lore he is a "Great King of Hell." Which...yeah, no shit. Leopard man wearing tightie whities and a cape that would make Liberace swoon, all while dual-wielding swords? You have my vote!

Scathach

So this one is some kinda of Scottish warrior lady mythological figure. The Scottish have mythology? I figured one day a bunch of sea scorpions came onto land and boom, Scotland is born.

She looks like a slutty, undead Carmen Sandiego. From her wiki "Scathach also grants Cu Chulainn the 'friendship of her thighs' (they have sex) when his training is almost complete."

"Friendship of her thighs." Ladies and gentlemen, we have entered a new era in humanity now that this phrase is known to us.

Fuu-Ki

First off, let's take a moment to acknowledge how funny that name is.

Now that's done, we've got what happens when you mix Kurt Cobain with a mini-boss from Onimusha. This one is so on the nose, too. The swirl patterns on its outfit? It's like, ugh, we get it, you're a wind demon. You don't have to dress like it. Looks like you stole someone's fugly drapes from the '70s.

Tam Lin 

"A famous fairy who lures young women away to ruin them."

So he's a Lord of the Rings-looking elf dude who likes to punch V-cards.

"A woman named Janet fell in love with him and freed him from the Fairy Queen."

Janet, huh? Not exactly the most mythic of names. The timeless beauty of Janet. I mean it's not a bad name. It's just that common-people names feel weird in myths. Makes me think of Janet Brady. And Janet from Rocky Horror Picture Show. Mmmmm...that's one vanilla sundae I wouldn't mind driving out to the desert and throwing into a deep crevice.

Sati

It looks like one of those 19th-century French posters advertising absinthe went goth. But like, high-class-hooker goth. Also, she's on fire.

Oh shit, turns out she committed suicide by setting herself on fire because her husband didn't get invited to a god party (ritual sacrifice).

That is one hell of a mountain to die on. But I guess when you are a deity and everything you do is a metaphor for the human condition, the rules are a little different.

Yoshitsune

Asian Link! I like his little hat. Apparently this was based on a real guy whose life ended when he was forced to commit suicide alongside his wife and daughter. Yeesh, and I thought having to go to Christmas Day mass was a pain. 

Uzume

Ever been to a Halloween party where someone is trying way too hard? I like her circle tattoos, though. Simple design.

Though wearing a fan as a mask... chances are that we are not going to get along. Or you are Lady Gaga and you decided to go to Arby's. 

Arioch

Reminds me of this gay guy I knew in college who always made such a show about how gross and weird he thought vaginas were. I like that it has super grandma boobs that are ear-level and that it went to the same shop as Mike Haggar for chest belts.

In Hebrew, Arioch apparently means "fierce lion." So if you are a lady and want to really class up your ham wallet, call it an "Arioch" -- especially if you are cultivating the undergrowth. 

Mara

So according to the wiki, "In Buddhist myth, Mara is also known as 'The Evil One,' a tempter, through the deceit of regarding the mundane and negative as alluring, and personifies unwholesome impulses, unskillfulness, and the 'death' of the spiritual life."

Makes you really think that the Buddhists were onto something. I bet for really super religious women who think sex is only for procreation, this is pretty relatable. Just replace balls with a blade chariot, which is fair. Balls are weird. Like two hard boiled eggs in a skin pouch. In the grand realm of external genitalia, that's still a head-scratcher for me.

Also, you just know someone out there got this as a tattoo and immediately regretted it.

Next on Occamsdex: Pokémon Gen 2

The post Occamsdex: Shin Megami Tensei compendium edition appeared first on Destructoid.

Incandescent cheeks

I know, I know, I said I wasn't going to spoil Dark Souls III for my?self. But some things are just too exciting to ignore, and this is one of them.

There are butts in Dark Souls III.

これはソウルシリーズ最大の発見じゃね？？//t.co/zUx2h2tW90 pic.twitter.com/7yxAbRj5kn

— エンジョイおしん (@ziku66661) April 2, 2016

With the right combination of robe and posture, it's possible to praise the moon and taunt the undead with your magnificent enkindled glutes. Just think of the potential ramifications tactical cheek flashing could have for high-level PvP mind games, the poss?ibilities are endless! 

Let's hope this never gets patched.

Dark Souls 3's Butt Glitch [Kotaku]

The post Breaking: There are butts in Dark Souls III appeared first on Destructoid.

'Unlimited creativity'

Some people follow news on Far Cry closely, taking in every nugget of information out there. Others might be vaguely aware of Far Cry Primal's existence and premise, but don't know much else past that. This video is??? for the latter group.

It's a brief overview of what to expect from the first-person stone ager. The protagonist has access to stealth, weapon crafting, animal taming, and some base building. The part that sticks out to me in the trailer is when the narrator describes the "unlimited creativity," t?o which I append in my head "so long as what you want to create is a pile of blood and viscera."

Heads up for those watching at work: the video contains some brief nudity. It's just a half-second of bare breasts covered in body paint, but you never know who might be looking over your shoulder while you watch the YouTube, or while you spend five ??minutes making a usable header image out of it only to decide later that it wouldn't be okay to have it up on the front page of your video game blog.

The post Get up to speed on Far Cry Primal with this ‘101’ trailer appeared first on Destructoid.

Not the only thing that's leaking

Fallout 4 was at gamescom 2015 in the form of a closed off theatre demo you could wait in a real long line for. But why wait in a line when you can just watch "Hidden Camera Shows Audience Teased by Big Butt Man in Tights Live" on line. Hah.

It's actually not about butts at all, but a sneaky recording of Fallout 4.

You can watch it here, but obvious NSFW warning, as it leaks to a porn site with videos like, "Babe Red-head lesbian," "Wake me for Sex," and "Titfuck until completion." You won't get completion out of Fallout 4, which recently announced it would continue post-credits and there would be no level cap (or jimmy hat).

The post Fallout 4 gameplay leaks via porn site appeared first on Destructoid.

Porn, porn always changes

There is plenty of debate about which virtual reality headset will "win the war" and be the last one standing, but porn has already decided. Where porn goes so does technology, as can be seen in VHS vs. Betamax and Blu-ray vs. HD DVD battles where it is pointed to as one of the deciding factors. Porn is already thriving on the Oculus R??ift.

In the above Vice documentary, you'll see the many ways the Oculus Rift is already being used in the porn industry as well as the sex industry in general. From virtual sex where users can literally feel each other, to cam shows that make you feel like you're there, our sexual future is already here. The doc doesn't deal dir?ectly with video games, but it certainly gives us a glimpse into the technology we can expect to experience in the coming months.

While porn has helped decide what technology comes out on top -- pu?n intended -- I'm not certain it will be the case for VR headsets. VR is viewed by some as just a new way to play games, but each headset is shaping up to be its own platform with exclusives games, much like today's consoles. Porn or not, 2016 is looking like the year? virtual reality makes it or breaks it.

Speaking o?f which, did you know Sega had planned its own headset back in the '90s? Check out the cringe-worthy u??nveiling of Sega VR below.

The post Which VR ??headset will win? Porn has already decided appeared first on Destructoid.

With erotic fan fiction and art

It's Sonic's 23rd birthday, and we couldn't let his big day go by unnoticed. We wanted to celebrate by paying tri??bute to the legendary hedgehog. A really?? hot, steamy, sexy, erotic tribute.

In case that last sentence wasn't indication enough, this post isn't exactly family friendly. So, not safe for work&nb??sp;content to follow. You've been warned. Enjoy.

Jordan Devore:

Jonathan Holmes:

Sonic licks the damp couch alone, clenching back the sour tears, desperate for every drop of substance he may lap up from his worn, stained seat. ??His eyelids tighten as a hint of sweetness, embedded in the last crusty shard of lint he's licked, collides with his tongue with force. "Is that Ecto Cooler?" he wonders, his mind rocketing away from the desolate failure of the present, back to a time when his life was constant trusted, unconditional promise. 

Back to a day when he didn't think he'd become the next legend. He already was, and all he ever would be was better than whom he had ever been. Sonic was th??en, by defi??nition, a perpetual motion engine, fueled by ego, oiled by the sweat of a million lonely souls, pistons thwacking and thwacking with ever intensifying sincerity, generating subdividing multitudes of salty self satisfaction in numbers beyond quantification.

There are many ways to become a slave. The exercising of free will is contingent on the belief that there?? is potential for both success and defeat. Then and only then will your decisions potentially matter. Sonic's mind does not allow for that potential. His being is always pulled in the same direction -- forward (or "to the right," in the 2D games). The one true yellow brick road, manifesting a destiny that ever elevates, ever brightens and accelerates. Faster and faster. Hotter and hotter. Deeper and deeper, into the nucleolus of all things, the glorious womb of the Universe, Sonic the one true sperm, never wavering in focused on the egg(man) inside, never wavering, blue streak of pure light, always and never, rocketing towards every star simultaneously forever. 

Sonic's recollection of his past glory crescendos into a climax of self appreciation beyond the capacity of his now shriving, shriveled ego to contain. With that, ?his perception of the present crashes down on him like a full tu?b filled with icy cold, used laundry water, grey and wretched. Waking to the now, to the mummy wraps on his arms, the pain in his stretched, aching legs, the sharp, piercing pricks of light in his green, bleached eyes. A slow smile stretches across his lips as he recognizes the justice in his plight, the rightness in all that went wrong.

"Better get back to sucking," he says, resigned to the truth, desperate to embrace whatever existence may have to offer him in ??the moment, as the days of a better future are long behind him, dreams cast out into the gutter below, all the sweetness gone again, vi??negar sour left in its place.

Max Scoville:

Darren Nakamura:

Amy gazed longingly at Sonic, her blue stallion but really he was a hedgehog. "I want you to rub my Chaos Emeralds and finally make your way down to my golden ring," she whispered. She felt him inside her, but it was over as soon as it began. "What happened?" she asked. "You know me, Amy," Sonic replied. "I gotta go fast."

Hidden in the closet, weeping while touching himself, Tails decides that this is finally his opportunity to shine. After Sonic rushes off and leaves Amy sulking on the bed, Tails bursts out. "Maybe I can help you, Amy." Shocked, but curious, she asks, "If that god of a hedgehog couldn't satisfy my lust, what makes you thin?k a little fox boy would be able to?" Tails grins. "I have a secret. I actually only ??have one tail."

Bill Platt's Daughter:

Brett Makedonski:

“…Happy birthday to you,” Knuckles, Tails, and Amy lustily sang in unison at the chained-up Sonic. Th?e cold, stone wall made his quills stand more erect than usual, the scarf around his neck choking him ever so slightly. Sonic couldn’t mutter a word, the ballgag in his mouth saw to that. His breathing was labored, the excitement and anticipation getting the best of him.

Tails and Amy approached from either side with thick, creamy pieces of cak??e in their hands. Tenderly, they pushed the cake into his face, taking care to spread it all around and down his chest. As they sensually licked it off, Sonic felt a tingling in his toes. Knuckles stepped f?orward, and with a palm sticky from cake, slapped Sonic as hard as he could. Sonic’s eyes welled with tears as Knuckles grunted “Happy birthday, big boy.” It was the best birthday Sonic ever had. 

Brett Zeidler:

Brittany Vincent:

Life changed for the better ever si??nce you l??et me into your life, Sanic. 

And right now I want you. You're busy. What little time I can have is always a gift that I cherish, like you're a figment of my imagination that vanishes until my next block of free time. I don't want to w?aste our time together on my back. I'm a little classier than that. A little.

I have some restraint, you know. While you're thinking about how to foil Eggman for the hundredth time, I'm sipping some iced milk tea, babbling on about something. Anything. I want to make a pun and ask you to ??"hammer" me, but I won't. But I?? just love to hear myself talk, you know, even if you don't really care about what I'm saying. You're a little quiet though, because you're still plotting. 

I wait. Even if every time we embrace I find my hands lingering, dipping lower and lower, kneadi??ng and squeezing rather than resting demurely at your waist. I can behave. I want to. Because I love you, and I try so hard to be good.  And I want to suck that di-ock, just like Paul Rudd said in that cinematic abortion Wanderlust.

"What are you thinking this time, my dirty booty butt boy?" I don't mean to purr in your ear seductively. Really. That's just my natural voice. But I do. I know you notice, and it drives me crazy to think I can't be sly. At the same time, I love&?nbsp;it. I can feel the wetness ?and heat between my legs intensify. My no-no zone tingles.

"Eggman's gonna get cracked this time, for sur??e!" You light up, and? I bet you're thinking about rubbing the length of your hedgehog pole up and down Dr. Robotnik's rude boy ass crevice.

It gets me so hot. I press my lips gingerly against your nec??k, wrapping my arms around you the best I can while you're seated.  My teeth lightly graze the quills on the side of your face as you go in for the kill and do it for the thrill. I'm hoping you'll understand and not let go ?of my hand.

"Bayone?tta," you moan, and reach back to grab a handful of my fur. I'm caught by surprise, and my first instinct is to fight.

"My name is Amy fucking Rose!"

"Get on your knees." I shake my head. I can never just do what you say. I want to submit. But if I do, you won't be rough with me. And you just forgot my god damned nam?e. I'm constantly playing with you, trying to elicit a reaction. I want to see how far I can push until you stop worrying about hurting me. I want to see you snap for some reason. You make the mistake of easing your grip as I whine and tell you to stop as I pull away and stand in front of you with my arms crossed.

"Forgetting my name during sucky fucky butt slime time? That's no good!" You turn in your chair?? to face me and it's only then I notice your hand stroking your hedgie poke as you stare at me, noticeably irritated. "Get on your knees," you repeat, in a much more authoritative tone. I melt instantly. Nothing else matters but making you happy, so I kneel in front of you, my cheeks flushed. I can't understand why, after all you'??ve done to me, I'd feel shy about this, but I do. I lean closer and part my lips. You rub that pee-pee against my lips as I tremble. I want you so badly I can't even think straight. A moment feels like an eternity as you tease me. Instead of being patient, I get angry and growl, "Stop! That's annoying, just let me suck it."

I guess that amuses you, because you do stop, and let go of my fur. Instead, you force my head down onto you?r waiting hedgie pole, slick with your big boy juice. You slide yourself all the way down my throat, and for a second I panic because I want to breathe through mouth but can't. I try to move, but you're stronger than me, holding my head there. I breathe through my nose as I struggle to keep my composure.

I know what you're going to do and will myself to accept it as you relentlessly fuck my mouth, keeping a firm grip on my head as you use my mouth as if were a Tails blow-up doll. I forget to breathe properly, and find myself choking, my gag reflex triggered all of a sudden. I try to pull away, but i??t's no use. You're set on using me, and judging by how deep down my throat you're going, you can't be far from the edge. My arms ache behind my back. I'm wetter by the second. You thrust into my mouth over and over, even as tears roll down my cheeks. I love it. I don't want you to stop. It feels like an eternity, but you do, and to my surprise you pull out of my mouth.

"I''m gonna do the thing, Amy! I'm gonna do the thing! Oh GOD?, AMY, I'M GONNA MAKE A BIG BOY PUDDLE!"

"I'm ready." I want you to know I'm trying. I want to swallow every single drop from you schlong-a-long-a-ding-dong. If I can't have it ??inside me, I want it in? my mouth. I love the way you taste. I want you to tell me I'm a good girl so badly. I live for it. I want you to reward me. So when you reach for my tea you have to grin at how horrified I look. A smile crosses your face as you catch how disgusted I must appear. You're pumping your pee-pee privates and positioning yourself over my drink. It's still good. I wanted to finish it. I shake my head. You wouldn't.

"Please don't...plea?se. I wanted to finish that..." I don't want this. I don't want to lower myself to that.

"You can still finish it."

"Just make a juicy in ?my mo??uth. Please! I want it."

"Beg for it." I won't. I will never.

"I don't want it in there!" I can barely register the sting of the hard slap you deliver to my rig?ht cheek. It burns, as you repeat yourself.

"Beg for me to shazam in your leaf water." You?? stroke my chee??k with your free hand and I blush deeply. In a low voice I do as you ask.

"UNF, UNF, OH GOD, AMY, I'M GONNA DO IT. GOTTA G?O FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAST!"

The combination of your reproductive sludge and the tea turns my stomach, and as you press the cup to my mouth and tilt, I whimper. I swallow begrudgingly, as you watch me intently. I act like I hate you outwardly, but I feel as though I could climax at any moment.  You take the cup away a?nd lean down to kiss me. You break the kiss and stand, winking at me.

"Sonic sez?"

"Thank you, Sanic."

"You're welcome for your drink. Now take these rings and get the fuck out of my apartment." Willingly, I comply. Because all I know is that I love you and everything about you, so I straighten my clothes and leave, hanging my dignity on the back of the door like a halo hanging from a four-post bed. I know it's not mine, but I'll see if I can use it for a weekend or a one-night? stand. I couldn't understand...why I loved you so much. Once again, as predicted?, I left my broken heart open and you ripped it out. But it felt so good, I'll keep coming back. Because I'm Amy Rose, and you're the fastest thing alive...in my heart.

Anonymous (Oooooh, Mysterious!):

Kyle MacGregor:

Steven Hansen

Naoto Ōshima sat slumped on the bus stop bench. Sleeping. Another sign of the years' wear. His hair, no longer parted in the middle, but much more respectably to one side, was peppered with streaks of white that could be mistaken for the first snowfall of a Tokyo winter. Though parted and with product, it still was still thick, wiry as the spectacles he resigned to wear when 40 hit a decade ago. 

The morning sun heated the bus stop like a greenhouse. It was a comfortable nap? until the hissing pressure release of the bus stirred him like a startled cat. He pulled at the inner corners of his eyes, beneath the gold frames, and sighed, The bus driver did not look out the open door at him. Naoto picked up his briefcase and a bundle of flowers wrapped in a yellowing cloth. Incense was protruding from the bouquet like meadow cat's-tail. 

He got on the bus, picking without care between the many empty seats. The door closed and the bus jutted forward, hissing, groaning like an impudent ox in the field. The bus bounced along amid constant stops for traffic, occasionally opening its doors to empty stations like someone opening their fridge knowing it's empty. "He wou?ld've hated this," Naoto thought,a placid smirk expanding over his face. 

The bus, too, was warmed by the sun, a travelling greenhouse with a stringy, avocado plant of a man growing in the back and Naoto, succulent thick hair, seated somewhere in the middle. He fell asleep ?again, waking up when the bus bellowed out all its warmth through opening doors at the cemetery's stop. 

Naoto picked up his bundle of flowers and incense and stepped off the bus. It rumbled away like an overweight dancer. The sun, a little higher in the sky now, wasn't so much relaxing in its direct contact as it was too warm. Naoto fold?ed his suit jacket expertly into his briefcase and rolled up his sleeves. He followed the cobblestone path, stopping along the way at a water spigot. He unwrapped the yellowing towel from around his bundle and soaked it, brushed his head with it, and soaked it again. 

In red ink his own name on the family grave stone beamed, a reminder that he was, in fact, still living and that this annual trip, more pleasantly familiar in its tr?adition than somber, was about to begin in earnest.?? He took the soaked cloth and began wiping down the tall, boxy stone. His efforts warmed his forehead; he was right to soak his head earlier.

He wrapped part of the cloth around a finger and finely worked to clean out the carved indentures of his son's name. For the thirteenth year, there was no red ink soaked into the crag??gy stone. "He would have been 23," Naoto thought, impressed by this number as he dragged the cloth down and across the engraving. 

Once again he left his own name ??unwashed?, wondering how many years before the red ink ceased to scream at him. Untended to for this long, it was still so, so loud.

He had many of these trips left, he thought, as?? he pulled th?e cat's-tails incense from the flowers and lit them. The smoke whisped up towards his nose with a feline fluidity and then it went further still before reaching an apex of visibility and trailing off into the sky.

He arranged the flowers neatly and then began walking back towards the bus stop. The bus, yawning sleepily through its open doors, seemed to be waiting for him as he approached. The sun had reached its highest point and was on its way down. "Perhaps I will walk?," Naoto said aloud, in the direction of, but not necessarily to the bus driver who sat inattentive, eyes forward. 

The doors cl?osed and Naoto?? began his walk home, slowly. 

Patrick Hancock:

Just like our Kirby post, go ahead and share your Sonic art and fanfic with us.?? This couldn't end badly, right?

The post We’re celebrating Sonic’s 23rd birthday the only way we know how appeared first on Destructoid.

Trick your brain into thinking it is in a different body

The Oculus Rift is impressive technology, and it has sparked interest in virtual r??eality at levels not seen since the 1990s. Still, despite the improved latency in head tracking and the improved field of view, one thing that is still holding virtual reality back from truly transporting a mind t??o another place is proprioception, or the ability to sense the position, orientation, and movement of one's own body parts.

The team behind The Machine to Be Another tackles that in a clever way. By giving two subjects each a modified Oculus Rift headset that captures video, then sending those video signals to the other headset's screen, the illusion is set up. By instructing the subjects to use slow, methodical movements and "agree" with one another on the positioning of their bodies, the illusion is completed and the brain believes more str??ongly that it has been transported to another body.

The video above pairs one male with one female?? at a time, allowing each to briefly feel as if he or she were gender swapped. It is a really interesting display, though it might have been made more interesting if the video included post-experience interviews with the subjects describing how it felt.

[Editor's note: the video below contains non-pornographic nudity. NSFW]

The post Oculus Rift used for gender swap? experience (NSFW) appeared first on Destructoid.