This motion-based Kirby and the Forgotten Land mini-game is harder than it looks

One of the hardest bits of Kirby and the Forgotten Land is a simple little motion-controlled puzzle board. No joke: I'm struggling more with the Tilt-and-Roll Kirby mini-game than I ever did in the Ultimate Cup Z, a boss-rush arena with harder variants of?? the big baddies.

All I have to do is avoid pitfalls and tap the Kirby ball into the hole by tilting my Nintendo Switch ~just so~, but my nerves refuse to chill out. I'm wasting a? bunch of time and coins trying to completely finish this content �the final "Extra Hard" variant has other ideas.

To back up a bit, Kirby and the Forgotten Land, like many Kirby games before it, has some cute side activities to bolster the main adventure. This one �Tilt-and-Roll Kirby �starts out that way at least. If you're playing along right now and haven't come across any of this yet, you'll need to save 180 Waddle Dees before this mini-game tent comes to town.

[caption id="attachment_316322" align="alignnone" width="1280"] _{The second board is a cinch, even with two Kirbys.}[/caption]

There are three motion-controlled puzzle boards to complete, and the first two aren't bad at all. The third one, though... I spent dozens of attempts and I'm still not sure how to reliably pull off the last zig-zagging stretch. Thankfully, you only need to get through the (much more forgiving) Normal versions of these boards to score a Game-Shop Waddle Dee figure for y?our capsule co?llection, so the Extra Hard variants are for bragging rights.

I'm having such a blast savoring every morsel of Kirby and the Forgotten Land, so I can't stop now. I just need to get through this EX course once. That's what I keep telling myself.

Are you too good for your home?

[caption id="attachment_316292" align="alignnone" width="1280"] _{The Extra Hard variant of the third Tilt-and-Roll Kirby board is intimidating.}[/caption]

I've tried? playing with perfect posture, slouching a bit, slouching a lot, l?aying down on my back, laying on my stomach, the works. I always over-correct in the final few seconds.

You get 999 Star Coins and a checkmark for beating the Extra Hard third board in under 30 seconds. Does it "matter?" No! Will I ever look at it again? Absolutely not. But I need that validation. I won??'t let the sunk-cost fallacy deter my meaningless gaming obsessions.

//www.youtube.com/watch?v=f8qJtruSz2U

Here's footage of an Extra Hard clear captured by YouTube user MewtwoStruckBack, just in case. Sometimes, watching another person beat a challenge is literally all that's needed to stroll into another attempt and knock it out of the park. I wasn't so fortunate th?is time.

I don't have any particular advice for this third round �I'm not aware of any Breath of the Wild-style maze-subverting strategies �but I thought it'd be fun to share our pain.

Maybe I'd have an easier time if I had grown up playing Kirby Tilt 'n' Tumble on Game Bo??y Color. As neat as it seemed at the time, that translucent pink cartridge was too much of a risky prospect with a super limited gamer kid budget. ??I'm not cut out for these gimmicks!

The post The final?? Tilt-and-Roll Kirby board will be my undoing appeared first on Destructoid.

Because the world doesn't waste enough time at that site already

Twitter is, by all accounts, an absolute trash heap of a website. Just a sopping pile of seagull excrement where every day you're bombarded by the worst possible opinions and takes on the planet. I mean, you're not even allowed to coordinate the overthrow of Democracy on it anymore. Well...American Democracy anyway.

As bad as it is, there are a few bright diamonds in this dumpster worth paying attention to, the newest of which is bringing people together to do the one thing we all love to do. That's right, a Twitter account is letting us play ??Pokémon using its replies.

Twitter user @screenshakes is letting their followers and complete strangers play Pokémon Red in their profile picture by commenting on the original tweet. Comments are p??ulled every 15 seconds, with the most commented input used to advance the game. It's like when Twitch Played Pokémon, only with a tinnier picture.

You can now play Pokemon Red in my avatar! 🥳

Comment one of those buttons on this tweet:
Up, Down, Left, Right, A, B, Start, Select pic.twitter.com/9RV383BGjW

— Constantin Liétard (@screenshakes) January 8, 2021

The post Finally, a good use for Twitter appeared first on Destructoid.

And did you get it modded?

The PlayStation Vita will always be one of the more fascinating gaming devices to come out of Sony. It was powerful, beautiful, and produced some of the most inventive games on the market. And yet, it didn't really go anywhere. It kind of just hit and then slowly fizzled away over the next several years, surviving on niche JRPGs and celebrated visual novels. For some, it was their Persona machine and nothing more.

My first brush with the Vita ecosystem came a few years down the road. Sony, in some sort of attempt to salvage the brand, released the PlayStation TV in 2013. There was much anticipation for it until everyone realized many of their Vita games wouldn't work with it. The PS TV launched in the US for $100 in October 2014. Ten months later, you could get it brand new for $35 or less, which is exactly when I picked it up, along with a copy of Persona 4 Golden and a far-too-small 16 GB memory card.

I was reminded of all this on Sunday when my post on the Xbox Series S went live, and some commenters noticed the device sitting on my TV stand. Despite picking up an OLED PlayStation Vita in 2017, I never got rid of my PS TV. Sure, it hasn't been hooked up in years, but I can't stand to part with the little guy just yet. Too many happy memories of me playing Muramasa Rebirth on it.

There is a very good chance I'd still play it today if I could just get my hands on a larger memory card. The Vita line-up has so many gems that I'd buy in a h?eartbeat if I didn't have to keep downloading and deleting them from my tiny 16 GB card. I curse m?yself for being so cheap back then, though Sony's utter reluctance to drop the price of its cards is more to blame.

I don't know if I'll ever hook mine back up or if it'll just? remain this funky little device I keep on a shelf and never use (like my Steam Link), but with nothing else worth writing about today, I? wanted to see if any of our readers are still rocking their PlayStation TVs. Let us know in the comments below, and for anyone who might ask, no, I'm not selling mine.

The post Do you still use your PlayStation TV? appeared first on Destructoid.

The truth will be revealed

While Lyle and I continue to investigate who else on staff is a hollow earth lizard person, here's what little has been happening in video games up until Persona 5 The Royal was further shown off today:

• XIII is being remade for some reason and I'm all for it!
• Sea of Thieves is getting some more content!
• Thanos and the Avengers are making their way to Fortnite and more!

While traveling to different locations within the multiverse and repairing all the things you caused, we also uncovered a truth we did not want to believe... Lizards dwell within the core of this planet and are among us. Now look, we haven't slept in over a week due to the side effe??cts of interdimensional travel, but trust me when I say the lizards are everywhere. In fact, I believe even Destructoid itself has been compromised.

Let me ask you this: Just who exactly is Chris Carter? Supposedly just a humble Reviews Director and Co-EIC of ??Destructoid with an innate ability to play, beat, and review games in an impressively timely manner. Some could argue in an almost...inhuman way? Have we ever seen him sleep? Have we seen him blink for that matter? Did you know most lizards sleep with their eyes open due to a lack of eyelids? One would believe a hyper-evolved species could do this while performing mundane tasks such as playing video games. I'll leave you to think about that.

Discharged question of the week: What other Marvel characters do you think could with a Spider-Man treatment? Personally, I'd love another Hulk game in the same vein as The Incredible Hulk: Ultimate Destruction.

The post In today’s episode of Pregame Discharge, the hollow earth lizards who made Fortnite are teaming up with the Avengers appeared first on Destructoid.

Now I can show off my whole collection in the palm of my hand!

My current shelf situation is a complete disaster at the moment. I've hit the point in my game collection where I simply no longer have the room for newer games and I'm now stacking cases on top of one another and h??ave moved almost the entirety of my retro collection into storage.

Since getting my Nintendo Switch back in November, I've had to make due by simply putting my Switch cases on top of my PS4 cases, truly, these are difficult times. But, it would appear Kotaku reader Mahir has co??me up with a potential solution for all our shelf disaster scenarios in the form of these ad?orable miniature Switch cases that simply fit the cartridge itself.

With any luck, these or something si?milar will pop up soon on Ets??y and I can put the entirety of my Switch collection between the gap of my PlayStation and Dreamcast games!

The Tiniest Lil' Nintendo Switch Game Cases [Kotaku]

The post These tiny Nintendo Switch cases are adorable appeared first on Destructoid.

Leaving only 99,999,938 things it could be

In March of last year, the same day Nintendo announced it would enter the mobile market in a partnership with DeNA, the company said it was working on a new "dedicated games platform with a brand new concept." More than a year later, that's still all Ninte??ndo has told us. Since then, it seems like there has been a new rumor every other week about what the device, codenamed the NX, will be. From pipe dreams about it being a console/handheld hybrid to crack-pipe dreams about it being twice as powerful as the PlayStation 4, if there's some unrealistic expectation you want to hold Nintendo to with its new product, chances are you can find a farfetched rumor to back it up.

Of course, there are millions of things it could be. That's not what this article is about. I've spent the last 12 weeks in an undisclosed location, down in a blast shelter able to withstand a bomb the size of six Ben-Hurs, researching every rumor out there?? in order to bring you this definitive list of what the Nintendo NX most likely won't be.

You may have your idea of what Nintendo could reveal, but I'm here to tell you the data says the Nint??endo NX probably won't be...

A Sexy Fireman Calendar

A Used, 1987 Toyota Tercel

Something You Can Play Mother 3 On (No Matter What Emily Rogers Tweets)

The Name of a Surprise New Album from Biz Markie

This Sheep

Something EA Will Make Games For

Tilda Swinton

Better Than Kubo and the Two Strings

Whatever All these Patents Say It Will Be

Home to an F-Zero Game

The post 10 things the Nintendo NX probably won’t be appeared first on Destructoid.

This thing is huge

April 15 was my favorite day of 2016. Not only did it mark the return of the hilarious Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt on Netflix, but here in the States we finally got Bravely Second: End Layer.

As the sequel to one of the best RPGs on Nintendo 3DS,?? I couldn't wait to get m??y hands on the game so I could add it to my collection of games I intend on but probably never will end up playing.

When I pre-ordered the thing at Best Buy, I naturally sprung for the collector's edition; if you're going to pay money for game you're probably never going to have time to play, you might as well spend a lot of money. As I waited for the blue shirts to find my game in the backroom (because having it readily available behind the store pick-up counter would have made too much goddamn sense), I reminded myself of everything I was getting with this CE. Not just the game, but a CD, and an art book. I thought the case would be comparable to the last Bravely collector's edition, but I was wrong. De?ad wrong.

To quote our next president, this thing is "yuge." Sure, it's not Europe's-collector's-edition big, but it's still bigger than any CE I had purchased before. As my car struggled to carry me and it at the same time, I knew it was my duty as a high respected gaming journalist perso??n with free time to show the world just how big this thing was using waggish photographs and bad photoshops.

The Bravely Second: End Layer collector's edition game is bigger than:

A standard 3DS game box

A standard Wii game box

The Bravely Default collector's edition

The remainder of my GameCube collecti??on that I can't play

This M/M historical romance novel

The Wii U tablet ??controller people still argue is too big

The John Oliver POP! figure

Hulk Hogan's penis

Terry Bollea's penis

Lunch

It's big, right? Shockingly, in my research I did manage to find a few things this collector's edition is not as big as, i??ncluding:

My Macbook (but just barely)

My Wii U physical game collection

This unopened Lego set

The World of Nintendo Link limited edition a??ction fig??ure

Me

Reggie Fils-Amie's head

Chris Hemsworth's unfortunately fake penis

Kanye West's ego

Yo Mama

The post Stuff the Bravely Second Collector’s Edition is bigger than appeared first on Destructoid.

Two guys walking around with boners?

It is December, and the news has been mostly slow. I decided to do what any responsible reporter would do and ask John Stamos, aka Uncle Jesse from Full House, aka the guy that was better than Clooney on ER, what his favorite video game of all ti?me is. Surprisingly, he an?swered.

Atari 2600: Sneak n’ Peek //t.co/5Blpa76vCj

— John Stamos (@JohnStamos) December 3, 2015

Sneak 'n Peek for Atari 2600? A game that I'm surprised I've never heard of, but boy am I glad I have now. Just look at this screenshot and try to tell me what ex?actly is going on.

If the little nub below their he?ads is supposed to be their arms, then what exactly is the longer curved line just below? I know what you're thinking -- "There is absolutely no way those are their penises" -- but I refuse to believe otherwise. 

After watching the following footage of the game, I still have no ?idea what it is about. To me, it appears like some guy breaks into another guy's house at night and then just kind of sneaks arou??nd in silence while sporting a raging erection.

I decided I better do some journalism and dig deeper, so I turned to the best search engine on the face of the planet, Bing, and located Sneak 'n Peek's manual. 

Sneak'n Peek is a one or two player hide and seek game designed to be played
on the Atari Video Computer System or the Sears Video Arcade. There are
four variations of the basic game and two levels of difficulty to increase
your enjoyment and test your skill.

Sneak'n Peek is played in and around a spooky old house with a large yard
and three weird rooms. Each room, including the yard, is a separa?te scene:

- a living room
- a pink bedroom
- a blue bedroom
- the yard

So it isn't one of the Atari 2600's various porn games but instead, a glorified hide????-and-seek game that takes place in a spooky old house with weird rooms like the living room, and a pink bedroom. Spooky.

The post Uncle Jesse’s favorite game of all time is a creepy retro game appeared first on Destructoid.

She reminds me of my grandma so much!

Grandma Shirley, aka Shirley Curry, is a 79-year-old grandmother who "just had a beast of a gaming computer built," allowing her to "play like a Boss! LOL" according to her description on her YouTube channel. Shirley's first let's play of The Elder Scrolls: Skyrim went live yesterday and has taken the Internet by storm, ??already racking up nearly 150,000 views. 

What is Shirley's reasoning behind starting to make let's plays? "I want to start a bl??og for older gamers, like myself," Shirley says, "because I feel we are not represented enough on YouTube."

If this first video is anything to go by, Shirley will surely be a star i?n no time with such a calming voice and ?dialect. "The Bob Ross of video games," as one commenter put it. Pretty spot on.

Calm?ly explaining how she uses poison on her arrow tips to fight dragons, to being disgusted by a gian??t spider, grandma Shirley has all the charm of your grandmother if she were a hardcore gamer, and I love her. Keep up the good work, Shirley!

The post Watch a 79-year-old grandmother play ??Skyrim, and have your h??eart warmed appeared first on Destructoid.

Turns out the books work on launch day

Long-time reader, first-time tipper and professional stand-up comedian Sarah Maywalt sent me the picture above that she took in? the Powell's Books, an independent bookstore in Portland, Oregon. 

Powell's reminds us that the novelizations of Assassin's Creed are 100 percent free of bugs, glitches, and day-one software patches. I can't imagine Ubisoft will be too thrilled seeing this n??ext to books based on its franchise, but I doubt it will be surprised. 

Sarah Maywalt [via Twitter]

The post Portland bookstore has sick Assassin’s Creed burn appeared first on Destructoid.

Never say never

Are there any games or series out there that you gave a chance and really tried to like until they inevitably broke your heart, as many boys games do?

Sometimes you might even still have feelings for the games, or even love the time spent together, but you just know they aren't for you now. The following are thank-you notes I've written?? the games that I'??m never, ever, ever getting back together with. Feel free to write your own in the comments.

Thank you, Mortal Kombat X,

For driving the final nail in the coffin of secret characters. I now accept that unlocka??bles, especial??ly in the form of hidden characters or outfits, are dead. 

--

Thank you, League of Legends,

You kept me company when I was all alone, sometimes for up to eight or more hours a day. I'm sorry that ?you started seeing other people; people who mostly spout garbage and toxicity. I've heard you've cleaned up recently, but I've moved on. 

--

Thank you, Words With Friends,

For ripping off Scrabble and capitalizing on it. I actually enjoyed our? time together until I started getting text messages -- on top of your already plentiful notifications -- telling me it was my turn. 

--

Thank you, Mario Kart,

We had such fun times together on the Nintendo 64, back before you were all about micromanaging parts of karts and had far too many items. Back before you needed a spreadsheet to? pick your karts, there also used to be dedicated ba?lloon battle arenas. Those were the days.

--

Thank you, Sega,

You were a large part of my childhood. Golden Axe, Sonic the Hedgehog, Ristar, and others were my jam. I'm glad you never remade Golden Axe or made a game where Sonic the Hedgehog is a werehog with stretchy arms or kisses a human. I'm so not in denial.

The post What games are you never ever ever gettin??g back together with? appeared first on Destructoid.

The gift that keeps on giving

Once more, with feeling!

Battleborn is: FPS; hobby-grade coop campaign; genre-blended, multi-mode competit??ive e-sports; meta-growth, choic??e + epic Battleborn Heroes!

— Randy Pitchford (@DuvalMagic) July 8, 2014

One year ago, Gearbox announced Battleborn, which sounds pretty cool on its own, I guess. But a regular announcement wasn't enough. Not for Gearbox president Randy Pitchford. He had to tell us exactly how great Battleborn is. The only problem is that he did so using an an?cient language that only the elder gods can unders?tand.

In doing so, something unexpected happened. We read the tweet. We laughed. But then we re?ad it again the next day. And the next. And the next. This tweet housed within itself some sor?t of arcane magicks, captivating our attention for months. Kyle retweets it regularly. We cannot escape it.

Every time I read it, I had a new favorite part. First it was "hobby-grade." Aren't all video games hobby-grade? Next it was "meta-growth." Um, what? After that it's the fact that Pitchford defines Battleborn with Battleborn, creating a recursive loop that traps any reader until their sanity drains to nothing. What is Battleborn? It's a game with Battleborn heroes in it, obviously! Wait, but what are Battleborn heroes? They're the heroes in Battleborn!

Finally I settled on "choice" being my favorite line in Pitchford's d?ark runic poem. Is that supposed to mean choice plays a big role in the game, or is it just a label like the USDA puts on a T-bone steak? I have folded "choice" into my vernacular at this point, appending it t?o the end of sentences to wrap things up.

So to celebrate the first anniversary since Randy Pitc?hford uttered the words from the Forbidden Scrolls of Uth'gek, I decided to compose my ??own utterly nonsensical tweet in the Pitchford style. Feel free to post your own version, if you fear not the wrath of the old ones you may inadvertently summon. Choice.

Destructoid is: webs??it??e; multi-level writing action; industrial flavor, oval-shaped videos; uberbark, prime + snarky Destructoid writers!

— Darren Nakamura (@Dexter345) July 8, 2015

The post Celebrating one year since Randy Pitchford’s incomprehensible Battleborn tweet appeared first on Destructoid.

Louie Anderson is unfortunately not hosting

Google surveyed the world and the top 10 autocomplete answers are on the board -- try to guess what they are in Google Feud, a brand new site that uses Google's autocorrect to create a single-player Family Feud-like experience. 

There are four categories to choose from: culture, people, names, and questions. I failed at naming more than one person with the first name Zachary, but dominated on "Can you sell your ____?" So if you're feeling like feuding, go check it out!

Wario64 [Twitter]

The post Play Family Feud with Google autocomplete answers appeared first on Destructoid.

My thoughts on Rabbids Invasion as well as the new Pac-Man cartoon

Today, Nickelodeon launched the latest show on its Saturday morning lineup: Rabbids Invasion. Teased about for years, the new program is abou?t... the Rabbids, and they do... things. Ummmm... yeah, that's basically the gist?? of it.

I happened across Rabbids Invasion by accident as I was flipping channels this morning. It consists of three short segments in a half-hour block; each segment involves the little Rayman spotlight stealers getting into mischief, while a second and third plot thread runs concurrent with their shenanigans. For example in one short, the Rabbids are throwing starfish at each other on the beach, a beach shop owner forces her husba?nd to clean the windows before he goes fishing, and a criminal is trying to escape police pursuit in a stolen car. Now and then, a stray thrown starfish results in the man having to wash the windows again, and eventually a squid lands on the criminal's windshield thus causing him to crash into the shop.

All the segments follow this same pattern. The Rabbids do their own thing, completely oblivious that their actions affect others nearby. It could have worked out, but the Rabbids are such one-note characters that the joke wears out? before a segment is even over. They do something dumb, one of them goes "BWAAAAH," the rest laugh, rin?se, and repeat. One episode in and the creativity well already feels tapped out.

Look, I liked the Rabbids back when they were ?first introduced. I thought the commercials and minute-long shorts were a riot. But c'mon! That was seven years ago! Time has demonstrated that they haven't really grown?? over the years. And now Ubisoft is trying to stretch their antics to fill a half-hour slot?

Maybe the kids will like it, though. This summer saw the release of Despicable Me 2, and with it the return of the Minions. If you haven't seen either this film or its predecessor, the Minions are essentially a cross between the Rabbids and Mega Man Legends' Servbots. They assist the main character Gru in his various schemes, and they appear alone various scenes speaking gibberish and acting like goofballs, much like Rabbids. The?y've easily supplanted Gru as the star of the movies, and I'm thinking that a TV show that offers the same brand of humor with similar characters could be a hit with t??he younger set. Then again, maybe kids would rather see an actual "Minions" TV show instead.

I can't accurately judge what kids will enjoy anymore, but as someone whose television diet consists almost entirely of cartoons, I'd like to think I have an eye for when a show is being genuine or when it's trying to appeal to children's basest desires without having much substance of its own. From what I've seen so far, Rabbids Invasion is so lacking in substance that it??? boggles my mind how the creators will fill out a 26-episode season.

Then there is Pac-Man and the Ghostly Adventures on Disney XD, which launched back in June. This isn't Pac-Man's first journey into animation, but it's definitely his most bizarre and may actually go a little too overboard o??n the new substance. It reminds me of the old days of game-to-TV adaptations where studios had to essentially build the world on their own because the games were so sparse.

Look at it! It's just... wow. I don't quite know what to say. Commendable effort, I guess? It's certainly not terrible, but it feels weird how Namco Bandai is trying so hard to make Pac-Man a popular character again that it is willing to completely overhaul the whole Pac-Man to such extremes. I can confidently say that the show will at least be better than its tie-in videogame.

My verdict: Rabbids Invasion, bad; Pac-Man and the Ghostly Adventures, s'alright. Such is the nature of cross-media promotion. Give them both a viewing and judge for yourse??lf.

The post So the new Rabbids cartoon premiered today appeared first on Destructoid.

Gonna go back in time!

Got a couple of minutes to spare? What am I saying? Of cou??rse you do! Check this shizz out!

NeoGAF user asa spent a few days messing around in Unity in order to make a nifty interactive NES music box. By pressing the power button, you can listen to the theme song of the game currently inserted in the machine. If you want to list?en to someth??ing else, simply eject the cartridge and pop in a different one. And when you get tired of NES jams, you can even flip the channels on the TV to see what's on!

It's actually really tough to handle the cartridges, but if you can get past the jankiness, you'll enjoy this nice return to Saturday morni?ng circa 1993. If only asa had programmed a way to b??low on the contacts for that authentic old-school experience.

NES MUSIC BOX ULTRA [via NeoGAF]

The post Play around with this fun NES music box appeared first on Destructoid.

Super serious news 24/7

Seriously, just because. Look at how derpy Yoshi looks! Remember that dumb running Sonic meme? I se??riously want to see derpy videogame characters take off like this. It's so cute!

The artwork was done by lxromero, who also did some cute takes on Bulbasaur, Charmander, and Mega Man.

The post Here’s a super derpy picture of Yoshi just because appeared first on Destructoid.

Man on Internet says things in 'saying things' SHOCKER!

Remember that guy who said Microsoft's Xbox division cannot be sustained by the company? Well, here comes another analyst with the? same suggestion, going so far as to believe rival Sony could acquire the brand. Them's some damning words!

"The entertainment division will be spun off, sold to someone like Sony or possibly Barnes & Noble, or dramatically reduced in size," said Forbes' Adam Hartung. "Unable to make a profit it will incre??asingly be seen as a distraction to the battle for saving Windows -- and Microsoft leadership has long shown they have no idea how to profitably grow this business unit.

"As more and more of the market shifts to competitive cloud infrastructure Apple, Amazon, Samsung and others will grow significantly.  Microsoft, losing its user base, will demonstrate its inab??ility to build a new business in the cloud, mimicking its historical failures with Zune (mobile music) and Microsoft mobile phones.  Microsoft server and tool sales will suffer, creating a much more difficult profit environment for the sole remaining profitable division."

Hartung goes as far as to say that the rise in powe?r of Android and iOS, as well as the decline of the PC market, "means nothing short of the ruin of Microsoft." Mass layoffs are expected, along with the ??financial loss of anybody who remains invested in the company. It's suggested that nothing can halt Microsoft's fall into the abyss. 

"... failure is already inevitable," he continues. "At this sta?ge, not even a new CEO can save Microsoft. Steve Ballmer played 'Bet the Company' on the long-delayed release of Win8, losing?? the chance to refocus Microsoft on other growing divisions with greater chance of success. Unfortunately, compe?titors already had enough chips to simply bid Microsoft out of the mobile game -- and Microsoft’s ante is now long gone -- without holding a hand even remotely able to turn around the product situation.

"Game over. Ballmer loses. And if you keep your money invested in Micro??soft it will disappear alon??g with the company."

Astute analysis? Rampant click-bait presented by myself just because it's rampant click-bait on a slow news day? Whatever you reckon (it's the latter), it seems a handful of writers are really sticking it to Microsoft ??lately, who seem to bel?ieve Google and Apple have finally put themselves in a position to slay the beast that is Microsoft. 

Ok??ay, so the guy might just be mental, but imagine a Sony-branded Xbox. If there's one thing this industry needs, it's the combination of overpriced Avatar items AND firmware updates. Talk ?about a power couple!

The post Som??e guy: Xbox might be sold t?o Sony, Microsoft is ruined appeared first on Destructoid.

You have been warned

I've got two words for you: "Human Caterpie."

If you are wondering if you should watch this Pokémon animation by Mosama, first check out his webcomic Satan's Excrement. If that floats your boat??, then by all means, carry on!

The Pokemon Hoarder [YouTube]

The post Watch this and your childhood will be destroyed appeared first on Destructoid.

Muahahahahahahaha

Muahahahahahahaha!

The post Muahahahahahahaha appeared first on Destructoid.

Busy news day

The post ooohuhaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA appeared first on Destructoid.

No, really

If tech reporters seem excited today about the prospect of Project Shield, a new handheld PC gaming console by Nvidia, it’s probably because they are at CES where there is little else to be excited about within the confines of gaming. Perhaps they’d be better served by moseying on down to the Adult Entertainment Expo to pick up one of the those state of the art crank-operated, Bluetooth-enabled Fleshlights. It’s times like this that make me wish we lived in a world where Razer’s Switchblade, th??e talk of last year&r?squo;s CES, had been released and bombed commercially so I could simply point at some news article and say “Look! I made hyperlink. I are smart.”

Instead, the Switchblade is still awaiting its retail release (sometime in Q2 Never), leaving game/tech journalists to praise it, gamers to doubt it, and developers to half-heartedly endorse it -- the kind of endorsement you would give Pauly Shore if you’d been sent five free Pauly Shore’s to use as you please. Despite not having the Switchblade’s retail performance, there is a history to awkward, expensive handheld gaming PCs that is best summoned on a day like today #s?lownewsday.

I don’t live a very portable life. When I’m on a plane, I like to stare at a book. Not necessarily read it, but stare at it very intently in hopes that an attractive girl will spot me doing so, recognize the book, and then ask me what’s it about. Then *hopefully* she’ll know the book so I can just ask her what it’s about. Soon, we’ll be having a kind of deep, meaningful conversation. That’s the idea, at least. Hasn’t happened yet. (I don’t actually do this but I don’t doubt there are many that do.) But, there was one time where I played Unreal Tournament 2004 on my MacBook during a red eye from New York to Houston. That was ki??nd of neat, because I had the whole plane to myself. I’d do that again if the same conditions were met, but red eyes and empty planes are variables that don’t often repeat, especially not together.

It will take some serious brain juice, but I’m going to imagine that I’m the person that really wants to play World of Warcraft on a tiny monitor with a tiny keyboard -- perhaps I'm just a tiny man -- or Xbox-like controller while traveling on planes, riding on buses, and waiting in lines at midnight movie premieres. OK, now that I’ve imagined being this person, all I want to do is kill myself. Disregarding my total lack of interest in WoW, I can’t possibly fathom why you’d want to play games designed for the home environment outside the home. There is a novelty in playing Darksiders 2 while outside the home, but it's just not worth sacrificing the big screen, comfort of your living space, an?d a proper audio setup.

Not to mention that most PC games you’ll find on Steam don’t cater to those with only a small amount of time to commit. I feel like I need a spare lifetime to sit down and dig into Dark Souls, not a spare 15 minutes. As such, puzzle games with low time commitments are the only portable games that have resonated with me over the past decade. When stuck at the airport, I start playing Valkyria Chronicles 2, realize it's a poor approximation of its previous console entry, turn it off, and pick-up my book. Are people going to buy these cutting edge handheld gaming PCs to play Dark Souls, only to discover all they really play is Bejeweled 3 on them?

Japan was obsessed with pocket PCs in the ‘90s and they were right in feeling that way: Not many things had as great of an impact in cutting costs and time as the rise of the pocket PC in the workplace. Now Frito-Lay can pack those delicious snacks at a rate that our forefathers could only dream of snack goods being packaged at. These devices by Fujitsu, Sharp, and other leading electronics manufacturers didn’t cater to snaggletoothed hunchbacks waiting in line for the midnight premiere of The Hobbit, unable to socialize or even breath in the direction of another human being without contemplating what they must look like naked and/or dead. So, the Fujitsu Ac?utTote 3000 wasn’t really made with them in mind.

Disregarding sad versions of Tetris and popular board games appearing on PDAs, it wasn’t until 2010 that we got a glimpse of a real handheld gaming PC. Panasonic’s Jungle. Yeah, I didn’t remember this thing either. First of all, it’s called Jungle. Second, it’s by the manufacturer that gave us the 3DO. It looked like a cheap Taiwan netbook with a mini-DJ set for your iPod next to its miniature keyboard designed for elves that make cookies in a tree. Naturally, it was marketed toward MMO players that just couldn’t get enough of that, uh, Battlestar Galactica MMO (apparently this existed.) A 720p screen would be nice but RuneScape on the toilet is still going to play like RuneScape on the toilet. Jungle never arrived and Panasonic’s brief flirt??ation with gaming handhelds was soon forgotten.

_{(Ok, so I lied: I played a fair amount of Beavis and Butt-head in Virtual Stupidity and Jagged Alliance 2 on my netbook at the airport. I did this mostly out of a wish that some heavyset man with a ponytail and goatee, wearing a promotional T-shirt for some obscure, defunct tech company, would see me and recognize my work. Maybe even give me a fist bump.You know, keep the dream alive. I also played a fair bit of FTL on it while visiting Vancouver.)}

Later in 2010 came OpenPandora. At long last, a console made for homebrew enthusiasts by Koreans that want to make money off homebrew enthusiasts while cutting every corner possible. One thing OpenPandora has over Jungle is that it was released, though that may not be, in fact, a positive. Somewhere in a landfill outside a town in China is a kid breathing the fumes of discarded OpenPandoras burning, slowly attributing to the Elephant Man-size tumor growing on his forehead. OpenPand??ora looks like an aborted Nintendo DS that somehow merged with one of those weird, massive all-in-one-card readers that my university’s film lab used to have -- I swear it even had a Zip Drive somewhere on it. Like most Korean handhelds, the device focused p?rimarily on console emulation and it didn’t even do a good job of that.

_{(Although it doesn’t quite fit in with the rest of these, I feel a need to mention the Visteon Dockable Entertainment device. This highly dockable system was basically one of those seemingly titanium-plated “portable” DVD players, except you could play GBA games on it. This whole novelty of watching movies on a dedicated player seemed obscene to me in 2003-2004. After all, I could watch DVDs on my laptop which wasn’t much bigger than these devices. Nevertheless, my brother bought one of these things so he could watch Eyes Wide Shut while running at the gym. He would do this after midnight, which I’m not sure makes it more or less creepy. I always saw a future in a portable device that plays DVDs, but I had the foresight to wait for that device to come in a more convenient form, as in phones and tablets -- which, yeah, I didn’t know that was coming but I did know that THIS couldn’t be the future.)}

After a botched effort by Panasonic and a Korean piece of junk, Nvidia and Razer stepped in to show the world what handheld PC gaming could be: not much better. Both of these PC hardware juggernauts are taking a different approach to making the PC mobile. Razer has touch controls and a smart keyboard that reconfigures itself to fit each game. Nivida's Shield has a controller that could be mistaken for a Xbox 360 third-party peripheral. The main?? difference between these two, beyond default input options, is that Nvidia’s streams games from your PC to your handheld. According to reports from CES, the device worked -- at least, it worked on a high-end PC in a very controlled environment.

Disregarding price and the likelihood of these ever reaching retail, I’m still not sure where these devices fit into my or anyone else’s life. Do I really want to play the best PC gaming has to offer on a screen that isn’t much bigger than a clamshell? Do I want to cramp my fingers trying to play an action game on a keyboard that is half the size of my netbook’s? No and no, which is why these devices are always promoted to niche audiences. Like this make believe audience that doesn’t know how to connect an HDMI cable from their PC to their computer, so instead they buy a Nvidia Shield that does all that hard work for them. Or the make believe audience that is so hopelessly addicted to WoW that they need it in portable form, but not actual portable form, just a portable device that squishes it ?down so it could slide in the big pockets of a tiny giant’s Levi's. OK, so that audience actually exists but I like to pretend it doesn’t.

So these devices don’t exactly “blow my mind six ways from Sunday” (Engadget actually wrote that about the Switchblade and weren’t alone in their enthusiasm). They are the games industry toothing, much like those silly DVD players that emerged right before the Blu-ray vs. HD DVD battle was won. Soon, our tablets and phones will be offering us the latest Assassin’s Creed and Call of Duty with graph?ics comparable to a high-end PC in 2012. We’ll have Bluetooth keyboard, mice, and controllers to play them with. It’s the only logical place things can go. Having a controller tied to a tiny monitor or a touch-controlled netbook is a road that takes us ??far away from logicville, a very lonely place where the Jungle and OpenPandora await any and all possible neighbors.

I don’t listen to music through my iPhone’s speakers and I don’t watch films on my iPod’s screen. There are limits to how we consume our media. The technolust that pumps through the veins of CES reporters has a way of clouding their judgement, forgetting this axiom. But when they all come home from the war, they'll regret the hyperbolic headlines they wrote about these misguided devices that serve a ??non-existent audience. If not, we'll just have to remind them on Twitter.

To bring us back to the topic (which I never really established but please do pretend that I did and did a very good job at it), the Fleshlight has evolved as much as it ever will need to evolve. We are at the brink of Fleshlight technology -- the time and place where we start applying the tech to the labias of dragons and other mythical beasts. If you buy a Fleshlight today, you know damn well that you are also buying the Fleshlight of tomorrow (hopefully one that you have maintained through proper use [see here]). So, go buy a Fleshlight and have a crafty wank on your next p??lane trip, while some millionaires sort out the future of portable gaming.

The post Handheld gaming PCs aren’t the future (yet?) appeared first on Destructoid.

Stop gaming and check the news

I've got news for you. No, really. News. A n??ews app.

Freshly launched on Xbox Live, WSJ Live brings customiz?ed news to your game console. The Wall Street Journal will beam live and on-demand programming from 2,000 journalists from all over the world, right to your Xbox 360. Microsoft says that you can expect over 4 hours of live programming a day as well as access to the entire WSJ video archive. 

The WSJ Live ap??p is available today in the U.S., U.K., and all over Europe and Asia. 

GOTY. 11/10.

The post WSJ Live is the newest app for Xbox Live appeared first on Destructoid.

You guys wish you could be me

I failed to mention that, immediately following the Disney Epic Mickey: Power of Illusion preview event last month, Warren Spector led all the journalists on a tour through Magic Kingdom. We went on the Magic Carpet, Haunted Mansion, and Peter Pan rides, while Warren fielded questions and explained how he incorporated park elements into the Epic Mickey games.

Frankly, I th?ink it was all an excuse for Warren to ride the?? rides for free.

A Disney c??ameraman was on hand to film B-roll of the tour. In the video above, you might notice a particularly strapping young man in a blue plaid long-sleeve shirt who ap??pears to be commanding the bulk of Mr. Spector's time. That gentleman is me.

The only reason I'?m sharing this video is because it's Sunday and I feel like making all of you cats jealous that I am now close, personal friends (not really) with the legendary game designer. The Machinima clip above only shows brief b??its of my interaction with Warren. After the break, you can watch the unedited footage that Nintendo World Report uploaded a couple weeks back.

Warren Spe??ctor Tours Disney World (Inside Gaming Extended?) [YouTube]

Warren and I strike up a con??versation as we enter Adventureland [YouTube]

Near the 7:30?? ??mark, Warren and I snuggle up on the Peter Pan ride [YouTube]

The post Warren Spector and I are totally best friends now appeared first on Destructoid.

Platinum Games director wants the fans to step off

Hideki Kamiya is a man responsible for a lot of Capcom's success, being influential in the creation of Resident Evil and Devil May Cry. His work as director for that latter game, however, seems to have caused him to go ballistic, after fans harassed him for his thoughts on the Ninja Theory reboot. 

He is not happy, to say the very least. 

"AS I SAID 1000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 TIMES, STOP ASKING ME ABOUT NEW DMC THING," he has been repeating on Twitter to fans asking the same question. He would later follow up with a re-post of his multiple statements and adding, "IF U CAN'T READ THESE, GET THE F*CK OFF."

The Platinum Games developer will likely draw heat from some fans for losing his cool, but it's hard not to empathize with the guy. Answering the same question over a game he has no control ove?r, and likely couldn't talk about for professional courtesy's sake, has gotta drive one a little batty. Poor dude.

The post Hideki Kamiya on DmC questions: ‘GET THE F*CK OFF’ appeared first on Destructoid.

True art

So yesterday I reviewed Resident Evil 6, and I didn't like it, which was sad. The critics have been very split on the whole thing, with scores ranging from from the very low to the v??ery high. It's a polarizing experience, that much is true. 

However, this video demonstrates that I may be scientifically wrong. In fact, everybody who hated it is wrong. Because of this. A shared moment of beauty, as man and beast lock eyes. Swaying in the wind, on the currents ??of adversity. How could we be so heartless as to watch this and not weep internally for the human condition? 

Looks like we all have been shamed.

[Thanks, Boris!]

The post The video that proves Resident Evil 6 is ??actual??ly great appeared first on Destructoid.

BioWare is dead serious about upholding its Terms of Services and will bring down the hammer of justice hard should you step out of line. One member (username withheld) of the Star Wars: The Old Republic message board learned that the hard way when his / her?? account was permanently suspended.

What infraction did User X commit? Being underage -- the board's terms clearly state that no minor under 13 years of age can be granted an account, regardless of parental consent. How did the moderation team discover this flagrant disregard for the rules? User X admitted as much in a post in this thread. For those without access to the site??, here's how th??e post read:

I'm 12 and what is this.

BWAAAAA HAA HA HA HA HA HAAAA HA HA HA HAAAA!

(Thanks for sending this in, Ryan and Mitchel!)

The post BioWare ??is clueless, banned a user based on a meme appeared first on Destructoid.

Have you seen Fox's Terra Nova? It's a show about a family that travels back in time to prehistoric Earth through a fracture in time to save the human race. Steven Spielberg is an executive producer, and there's special effects and dinosaurs and sh*t, so it could have been something neat. But, it's not. It's terrible. Still, it's watchable in t??hat kind of train-wrecky way. Oh, and? there's this.

Character Commander Nathaniel Taylor is Solid Snake to me. Metal Gear Solid's Old Snake, to be precise. I can't un-see it, and I can't stop giggling every time he makes an appearance. The clothes, the hair, everything. He's like an Old Snake tha?t exfoliates a??nd uses moisturizers. 

It's a bit of a stretch, but once you think of the rebellious, headstrong character Mira as Resident Evil 5's Sheva, you can't un-see. Of course, actress Christine Adams ??is lovely and has better hair, and Sheva was just sort of weird looking and wore too much jewelry (sorry, Capcom), so it's not a perfect match. But, in some episodes, Mira is wearing Sheva's clothes, shooting guns,? and running from monsters. And I laugh.

I will continue watching this turd of a show to see how Old Snake and Sheva get along. Hit the jump to see some ??g??ood examples of what I'm talking about.

The post CAN’T UNSEE: TV’s Terra Nova stars Old Snake, Sheva appeared first on Destructoid.

On Friday, I posted Luigi's Mansion parody in which the titular mansion was barely shown. Above, I post a Pokémon video in which zero Pokémon are ever seen on screen. Is this a new trend? Has everyone been inspired by Garfield Minus Garfield?

Busted Pixel: Scott Hates Pokémon [YouTube]

The post There are no Pokemon in this Pokemon video appeared first on Destructoid.

In news that's perfect for such a slow pre-holiday day, more hilarious things have happened on Craigslist! This time, a frustrated woman is selling her Modern Warfare 3-obsessed husband on Craigslist. If you promise to take care of him, you ??could even score a freebie!

"I am selling my 22 year old husband," writes the wife. "He enjoys eating and playing video games all day. Easy to maintain, just feed and water every 3-5 hours. Yo??u must have Internet and space for gaming. Got tired of waiting so free to good home. If acceptable replacement is offered will trade." 

The ad has been traced back to 21-year-old Alyse Baddley, who had previously joked to her mother that she'd sell the man on Craigslist if he didn't stop playing Call of Duty. The product for sale, Kyle Baddley, was recent??ly? discharged from the military after suffering a back injury in Afghanistan. Although Alyse wasn't being too serious, some readers took it to heart and even offered marital counseling for the pair. 

Kyle kind of looks like that guy who plays the non-derpy one in those Twilight films. Alyse could make a fortu??ne ??off that one feature alone.

Woman tries to sell husband addicted to Mo?dern Warfare 3 on Craigslist [Digital Trends]

The post ?Woman selling her game addicted husband on Craigslist appeared first on Destructoid.