Director furious over failed Kickstarter

Uwe Boll, the infamous "director" who tarnished the names of popular video game franchises like BloodRayne, Far Cry, and House of the Dead with some of the worst movies ever created, is upset. He's upset t?hat people aren't throwing money at him to continue defecating on celluloid.

The despicable creature, who's made millions over the past two decades exploiting loopholes in the German tax system, t?ook a shine to crowdfunding platf?orms recently.

In 2013, Boll launched a Kickstarter campaign, hoping to swindle folks into giving him $500,000 to make a second Postal film. It failed spectacularly, attracting only a fraction of its target goal in pledges before Boll pulled? the plug on the project prior to its completion.

The dreadful filmmaker has been back at it again this year. In January, Boll attempted to use Indiegogo to stuff his pockets en route to making something called Rampage 3: No Mercy. It didn't go well, securing just six perc?ent of the campaign's $100,000 goal.

That didn't stop the man, though. He took that same campaign to Kickstarter, which has somehow managed to raise $25,000 in pledges, though it too seems likely to fail with three days remaining and more than half way to go to its $55,794 objective.

It's almost like people don't want to see this guy continue to make movies??.&nb??sp;

Boll seems to have realized this now, having recently sent his "fans" a message titled "fuck you all." In a very public temper tantrum on YouTube, Boll expresses his dissat??isfaction with these repeate?d failures, saying "for me, crowdfunding is absolutely dead."

"It looks like nobody gives a shit about Rampage 3," he conti??nues. "So maybe I shoul??dn't do it then. I have enough money to play golf until I'm dead."

Please, Uwe. Go use your ill-gotten ric??hes to?? play golf forever. Never make anything again.

Uwe Boll [YouTube]

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I'd wager that, nine times out of ten, directors don't set out to make a bad movie. Nobody in their right mind wants to fail. Unfortunat?ely (or quite fortunately, depending on your perspective), Uwe Boll has never been in a right st??ate of mind.

A couple of years ago, a documentary entitled Tales from the Script was released. It gathered a number of high-profile and lesser-known screenwriters to share their industry experiences, and among the guests was Guinevere Turner, the writer of Uwe Boll's BloodRayne. She describes her time on the project and lavishes praise upon Boll for his pleasant professionalis?m and open dev?elopment schedule...

Hell no! She can't stand the f*cker! She sent a first draft -- a first draft -- of the?? script to Boll in the hopes of gathering feedback for the necessary revision, but he was all like, "Nope! This is the tits! We're going with what we have!" Then he cut 80% of the material and had the actors fill in the blank space like a big ol' Mad Libs. I'm surprised that Ms. Turner could sit trough the interview without frothing at the mo??uth.

However, I'm wary of her final remark, as I doubt some people will appreciate the comparison.

PROOF UWE BOLL IS INSANE! [YouTube] [Great find, Michael!]

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Remember Zombie Massacre for the Amiga? No? Well, that's fine because Uwe Boll does. He remembers it so fondly, he is adding it to the long, long, list of games he believes would translate into movies. The 1998 Doom clone is apparently pulsatin?g with captivating story elements and entertaining characters that are truly deserving of being woven into the rich tapestry of Uwe Boll's adaptations. 

Unlike the mastery of his earlier work, Boll is taking a producer's chair for Zombie Massacre. Co-directors of a previous zombie movie of Boll's, Luca Boni and Marco Ristori, will be taking the reins for this film. It currently has no release date but hopefully they schedule the star-studded, red carpet opening night for Christmas Day. That way, we can all give ourselves a wonderful present when the curtains part and Zombie Massacre begins. God bless us, everyone.

Zombie Massacre is another gaming f??ilm from Uwe Boll [Joystiq]

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In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale was an epic the likes of which could only have been made by director Uwe Boll. And only under the watchful eye of such a visionary might lightning ever strike twice. Now, as if to confirm that the stars are aligned for a film which will shock the critics, Dolph Lundgren has stated definitively that he will appear in the recently announced Dungeon Siege film sequel.

Yes, the man who killed Apollo Creed and then went on to appear in every B-movie which needed ?an exceptionally large blonde guy sounds like just the thing the doctor ordered. Speaking to Screen Junkies, Lundgren says that the character he plays is, "an ex-middle ages war veteran who get?s f*cked up but he gets pulled into some sort of medieval power struggle, kind of gets a bit of a redemption for all his pains in service."

Sold. Tell me where to stand in line for tickets.

Interview: Dolph Lundgren [Screen Junkies via Digital Spy]

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Here we have a trailer for the third feature film based on Bloodrayne. This direct-to-DVD film from everybody's favorite director Uwe Boll involves a plot to inject Adolph Hitler with Rayne's blood. Clearly, w??e have an masterpiece in the making. 

Say what you will about Boll, this is the sort of thing I expect from Bloodrayne. Honestly, I think Boll is just the guy to make films based on the license. It's chee??sy and over-the-top and he can deliver that in spades. Plus, any film which gives top billing to Clint Howard is at least worth a peep.

First trailer for?? Uwe Boll’s BloodRayn?e 3: The Third Reich [GamesRadar]

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It's the moment we hoped would never come, but it's been confirmed and now we have to deal with it. The worst thing to come out of Germany since the Third Reich is making another straight-to-DVD BloodRayne movie. Kristanna Loken will return as the titular vampire in Uwe Boll's latest disasterpiece, BloodRayne 3: Warhammer. 

This will officially mean that BloodRayne now has more movies than it does games. What happens in this situation? Does it mean BloodRayne is now more of a movie franchise than a game? Would any future BloodRayne title (yeah, right) be considered a licensed title? This is a paradox that I don't think we've ever encountered before, a?nd it makes me scared. 

It's kind of sad that Uwe Boll now has more to do with BloodRayne than the guys at Terminal Reality who developed it. I actually thought BloodRayne was good in a not-really-great-but-still-oddly-fun way. Maybe one day these movies will make enough money to justify a third game as w??ell as a thir??d film. But probably not. 

BloodRayne 3: Warhammer [Comic Book Movie]

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It may be a while before Uwe Boll completes Bloodrayne 3, but that doesn't mean we have to suffer rejoice through another season without any Boll action. Often times the United States is neglected by film companies as they don't think they're movies will succeed in this area of the world. In 2008 this occurred with the sequel to one of the worst film's ever made, Alone in the Dark. Yes, there is an Alone in the Dark 2 and finally everyone in the United States will be able to watch it as it comes to DVD at some point this winter.

I know what you're asking yourselves: "Why would I want to watch a sequel to a terrible Uwe Boll film?" There are a few reasons. The first one is you're really and truly desperate to watch every videgame movie ever. If you fall into this category then the fact that it was only produced by Uwe Boll and not directed by him might also help. You may also be curious how Christian Slater (who played the lead role in the first film) has not only turned into another actor, but an entirely different race as Rick Yune takes over the role. Finally, it has to be better than watching the Uwe Boll directed FarCry movie that landed on DVD last week, right?

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Somebody stop him, please. I don't want to kill him, just take out a part of the brain that makes directing movies impossible or something. If Bloodrayne 3: Warhammer, a movie based on a videogame that wasn't ever made, gets made as Uwe Boll wants to I wi??ll hold each and every person who r??eads this post responsible because you didn't stop him.

What is wrong with the world that this man keeps on being allowed to make movies? The man made Kirstanna Loken in skimpy clothing unwat??chable. Do you know how immensely impossible that is to do simply with bad directing? And yet he did it! Her return i??n this third film brings me no joy as I know that he will once again turn something beautiful into the film equivalent of burning in hell for five thousand years.

We've had plenty of Boll rants here (some from the man himself), so I'm going to stop now. Just make it go away, for ?the love of everything holy, make it stop.

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Uwe, Uwe, Uwe.? Wouldn't your money be better spen??t making another one of your highly entertaining movies?

Developer Running with Scissors says that Boll has paid to appear in the upcoming game Postal 3?, coming out for the Xbox 360, PS3, and PC, hopefully some ??time this year. 

"Uwe Boll paid us to put him in the game," Vince Desi, RWS boss, told Eurogamer. "We agreed when he licensed the movie rights."

Boll will be playing himself in the game, and it sounds like we'll be able to ??go Postal on him in it: "Uwe will be presented as himself and of course you can have fun with him, it's Postal!" said Desi.

I'm not coming down on Boll for paying to get into a videogame. Hell, I'd pay to get my f??ace in a game. But this one is a little too close to home, and he knows he'll end up being a target of some kind. It's his money, I guess.

Speaking of silly, check out the Running with Scissors webpage. They cl??early don't know their Asians from one another [facepalm], but they do ??have babe galleries and interview sess??ions.

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You know what the world doesn't need? Uwe Boll making any more films based on videogames. I mean, I love the guy, but enough with the game films already. But how about Boll making a Grand Theft Auto film?

"Grand Theft Auto would be super interesting for me," he tells New York Magazine, "and I think I?? would actually be the right guy to do it, because? my movies are all bloody and violent and I don't have a problem with action scenes."

But he's a realist and seems convinced it'll never happen ??... at least with him behind the lens.

"But look, they will go, in the end, with a Michael Bay," he says, name-checking his arch-nemesis, "or a Brett Ratner, and? it will be a PG-13 movie made for $150 million. I think it would be better to make a $30 million, very hard, brutal movie without compromising, but I'm not optimi??stic."

Does anyone really think a highly secretive and protective company like Rockstar would let Hollywood rape their lucrative series? Besides, Ron Howard already wrote, directed, and starred in a Grand Theft Auto movie in 1977. So I say to the whole idea: OLD.

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I've got no beef with Uwe Boll. The industry is full of really sh*tty movies, and Boll is just another guy out there try??ing to make a buck. I think he's become an easy guy to blame. In the end, movies, like games, are for fun, and I think that we so??metimes forget that and become too critical of these forms of entertainment.

But, for some reason, Stride Gum does have a beef with Uwe Boll. In fact, they're urging their customers to sign the Stop Uwe Boll petition, and are offering a fre?e pack of?? gum as incentive.

UGO tells us that Stride would like to see the petition reach its one million signature goal, so they're?? going to release a coupon online for a free pack of gum for signers on May 23. I think they're making a statement with the date, as ?Postal is released on the 23rd.

“Since gamers are one of our most supportive gro?ups, we’ve been looking for ways to return the favor,” said Gary Osifchin, Stride North American Ma??rketing Director. “And what better way is there to get gamers’ backs than by helping them rescue their cherished videogames from the clutches of Uwe Boll?”

Of course, we see right through t?his; it's marketing, and they're trying to be "hip" in our eyes. But isn't this a little mean? Targeting someone's career for marketing purposes? What if we created a petition against Stride gum (really, Orbi??tz tastes better) and endorsed it here on Destructoid?

Is a pack of gum incentive enough for you to sign this petition? Or have you already signed it? Or is this just too mean-spirited for ??you?

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This is news that's been floating around for a while, but it's too funny not to post. Uwe Boll, the controversial movie maker whose films are often reviled by gamers and non-gamers alike, has chosen to pit his latest opus Postal against one of this year's biggest releases -- Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

The Raging Boll has declared open war on Spielberg's highly anticipated film, proclaiming that on May 23rd he is going to "destroy Indiana Jones at th??e box office." He went on to add, in broken English, that Harrison Ford is "older as [Boll's] grandpa and his time is up." 

The jury is still out on whether B?oll is a madman or the greatest comedian in living memory, but either way he is great for a laugh. He even trashed some of Spielberg's films in a bid to prove his superiority over a highly respected and beloved Hollywood director:

"Spielberg gets sloppy. We saw that with War of the Worlds (why the f**k the older brother survived?) and also in parts of Jaws, E.T., Munich etc.! My performance in Postal as 'Nazi Theme Park Owner' outperforms easily Ben Kingsley in Schindler's List!"

Admit it, that??'s the most brilliant quote you've read all day. Uwe? Boll is epic, and the film world is better off with him in it. Where else are you going to get this level of tragicomedy?

The post Uwe Boll vers?us Indiana Jones: Spielberg is clearly terrified appeared first on Destructoid.

There's a difference between looking like a moron and just being stupid. Uwe Boll has crossed that line with his usual dignity and aplomb many a time, and each time I hope without reason it may be his last. In a recent interview on Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld on Fox News, Boll had the following to offer when asked how he deals with criticism of?? his? films:

"A lot of video g?ames have no story. I did the movie House of the Dead and got bashed and I said, what were you expecting, Schindler's List? I showed zombies chasing people and this is basically?? what the movie delivers.

"I don't know what they were expecting if you make a movie based on an ego shooter where you kill ninety minutes of people no??n-stop."

Translation: Stop expecting me to creat??e a w??atchable project worth your money.

This wails cop-out to me, but expecting Boll to function on the same level as a normal human being possessing working brains is an exercise in futility. He goes on in the interview to trash internet critics, saying "They don'??t have their own life and they're still sitting at Mommy's table ever??y lunch."

Apparently Uwe is unaware that there is an actual game industry, where journalists go to offices and write about current affairs, just like real reporters. You won't believe this, Uwe -- we get paid too. In fact, a great deal of the time, our lunches are paid for. Tell that to your mom the next time she's whipping you up a tunafish sandwich, because at the rate your films are generating profit you may be moving back in with her soon. 

[Via CVG - Thanks, Justin]

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At some point or another you've likely sat through one of Uwe Boll's movies. In this day and ?age it's almost a rite of p??assage for an eager, doe-eyed youngster to have his hopes of an excellent movie of his favorite game dashed.  That moment just as the light of optimism and hope fades from their eyes, when you can practically hear their brain clawing it's way out of their skull via the nasal cavity; yeah that's the good stuff.

It seems now that my previously staunch atheism is a highly suspect dogma, for only under the watchful eye of a just and loving God could the brutalizer of our favorite franchises have his security blanket (made entirely of $100 bills) yanked from around his shoulders (he wears it like a cape, yo?u see).

Bolll's recent appalling effort, In The Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (which cost $70 million to make), did so badly (bringing in $3 million over the weekend) that? he is now without the funds to keep making big budget movies.&nbs?p; Previously Boll had funded his films through a German tax shelter, displaying a surprising level of intelligence in the process, which have since been banned, leaving Boll budget-less.  But don't sound the victory trumpets just yet.

In spite of the fact that his career is issuing its de?ath rattle Boll seems un??perturbed:

“In the future, I will focus on small films such as (the video game adaptation) ‘Postal’ or (the Vietnam war drama) ‘Tunnel Rats,’ ” he said. &ld??quo;These are films that represent my true passion, and they can be done with small budgets.”

You've got to hand it to the man, in spite of his body of work being labeled complete gar??bage by the majority of it's intended audience and thus setting off the ruination of his career, he's just as tenacious as ever.

[Via GamingToday]

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Dungeon Siege, the game, revolved entirely around stabbing things and burning them with arcane magic. It was somehow less cerebral than the Diablo series, the finest games ever based around an experiment to determine how long it takes for repetitive stress injuries to develop in index fingers. According to everything I just said, turning the title into a braindead popcorn flick rife with semi-nude women, explosive pyrotechnics and vaguely Arthurian dialogue should be right up the alley of absolutely any hack in Hollywood with enough cognitive ability to o?pen his Powerbook. 

Then, along came Herr Boll.

Hit the jump if you wanna read extended impressions courtesy of AICN from ??a gentleman who was brave enough to witness the whole thing, or if you're impatient ??I can sum it up with this quote:

This movie blows. Hard. I mean extremely hard. So hard, that I hope it destroys Uwe Ball?s career.

Alright, so it's terrible, but so is Mansquito and living life without having seen that Sci Fi Channel classic is just unthinkable at this point. Does Dungeon Siege: In The Name Of The King at leas??t manage to be so-bad-it's-good? Appar??ently not. Boll definitely left his flaming, bloody signature in the flesh of this thing:

He managed to take a 60 million dollar budget, and still make it look like shit. He had 150 minutes at his disposal, yet developed no one. He had a bunch of pretty good actors, and turned them into jokes. The only ones to come out of this ??unscathed is Statham, Perlman, and Davis who are pretty okay in this. Liotta and Reynolds get it the worst. Liotta seems to pretend that he didn't have a career and just completely ham it up to an infinite degree. Reynolds just looked like he didn't want to be here, so much so, that he wears a t-shirt during his *SPOILER BUT I DON'T CARE!* death scene.

I've always been impressed by how he seems to infect his actors with his personal brand of suck, but to have castrated Ray Liotta and Burt Reynolds is a whole new level of directorial incompetence. How you manage to take a guy who's best known as a violent Italian stereotype and a classic actor best known for his moustache and make them both unentertaining is an accomplishment worth??y of a little oval popping up at the bottom of the screen and awarding Uwe 25 game?r points.

But ... like ... the?? conclusion makes everything worthwhile right?

So the film pretty much ends like you expect it to end. Farmer is ?attacked by books, and Gallian gets? stabbed by Farmer's wife, giving Farmer the edge to kill him. Gallian dies, and the monsters he controlled walk off to jump off a cliff or something. Farmer and wife kiss, and Uwe Bolls name pops up like it means something. Cue boos and me writing down "Poor" on the screening paper.

I want that to be some kind of provocative social commentary or a bit of insight on the human condition, but I don't even f&%^ing know what ??it means. He's attacked by books? Why? Are they angry books? Did Uwe Boll option their film rights? I just don't get it.

Hopefully this has saved you the ten ducats you'd spend on seeing this thing in theaters as a "goof" or because you're trying to revive traditional Hebrew self-loathing, but how many of you were actually going to see this anyway? You'll manage to catch it on the Sci Fi Channel a year or two from now, but after ten minutes, you will begin to wonder why they couldn't have reran Roger Corman's Dinocroc or Return of the Living Dead: Necropolis instead.

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Okay, remember a few weeks ago when I covered an upcoming Wii game that sounded absolutely awesome, Zombie Massacre? Well, President of 1988 Games and producer of Zombie Massacre Benjamin Krotin has just emailed us with thanks for our coverage and an attached press release that contains some facepalming news -- 1988 Games is teaming up Boll-KG Productions to create a Zombie Massacre movie -- and the gam?e doesn't even have a publisher? yet.

The widely disliked Uwe Boll has already claimed an unreleased game with Legend: Hand of God but this new game (whose concepts I?? raved abo??ut) is in such early development that we don't even have screenshots yet. I sit and wonder if this is a joke, some publicity stunt to give the game some recognition. This snippet of the press release does little to assuage this theory:

We are extraordinarily excit?ed by the opportunity to attempt to bring our game to? the silver screen. What makes it even more exciting is working with a director with this much experience and expertise in adapting videogames into movies. We look forward to working with Uwe.

Experience and expertise? Now look, I think Uwe Boll is a nice guy and I honestly don't think his game movies are worse than anybody else's, but this is the first time I've hea?rd of a games developer citing the man's "experience and expertise" without a trace of sarcasm. Hit the jump for the full press release and rest assured, as soon as I get to the bottom of this, I'll let you know.

1988 Games in association with Boll-KG Productions wishes to announce a newly-formed partnership
between both companies, created with the intention of bringing the upcoming Nintendo® Wii™ game concept Zombie Massacre into the realm of film production. With this new partnership, 1988 Games and Boll-KG Productions will collaborate to develop and to produce an exciting film opportunity closely based on the original videogame property. With the help of acclaimed film producer and director Uwe Boll, 1988 Games hopes to deliver to movie theaters what it intends to deliver to game play??ers worldwide: an action-packed, seat-of-your-pants zombie thriller.

A word about Zombie Massacre…
Jump in, put ??the pedal to the metal, and prepare to blow away some zombies in this over-the-top action-driving game! Players take the wheel of a vintage 1950s convertible with a nuke in its trunk, as they race against the clock and into enemy zombies at full throttle.

"We are extraordinarily excited by the opportunity to attempt to bring our game to the silver screen. What makes it even more exciting is working with a director with this much experience and expertise in adapting videogames into movies. We look forward to working with Uwe.”
–Benjamin Krotin, President, 1988 Games

“I was very impressed with the game idea, and I felt that it would of course make for an exciting movie.”
–Uwe Boll, Producer/Director, Boll-KG Production??????????????????????????s

The post Uwe Boll snaps up unreleased game — AGAIN! Zombie Massacre is the next victim appeared first on Destructoid.

Love him or hate him, one can't deny Uwe Boll's determination to make movies in the face of life itself telling him he can't. As if to further prove his dominion over the forces of common sense, Lord Boll has now decided to make movies of games that don't even exist yet. Legend: Hand of God is a PC action RPG that isn't going to see a Stateside release until 2008 but even still, Uwe Duwe Doo has snatched himsel??f the movie rights. Time was, we waited for vi??deogames to become respectable franchises before we wrecked their legacy with awful movie adaptations. I guess Boll's merely cutting out the middle man this time around.

Boll justified his new purchase by talking about the game he couldn't have played yet. "I think Legend will be very successful because of its unique blend of high fantasy and dark atmosphere," Boll explained. "The world of Legend contains major crossove?r potential and was already adapted as novel and audio book." I have to say I find it sad that I know more about the game than I did before thanks to, of all people, Uwe Boll. That said, I knew nothing of this game before now anyway.

[Three cheers to the Donut boy] 

The post Uwe Boll snaps up film license for unreleased game:? Facepalm ensues appeared first on Destructoid.

In the most hilarious case of sour grapes I've seen since Richard Nixon punched out a donkey during a fundraiser in 1974, Uwe Boll seems to be firing back at Wired for their negative review of Postal, his film based on a similarly titled video game. Here's a quote from the e-mail sent by Mr. Boll to Wired:

your review shows me only that you dont understand anything about movies and that you are a untalented wanna bee filmmaker with no balls and no understanding what POSTAL is. you dont see courage because you are nothing. and no go to your mum and fuck her  ...b?ecause she cooks for you now since 30 years  ..so she deserves it.

MEOW! This cat has CLAWS!

At this point, no one really expects Uwe's movies to be worthwhile, but it is refreshing to see him defend himself so fervently. As much as the man can't make a film worth the celluloid it was etched upon, I gain a lot of respect for a guy who has the utter insanity to swear at nearly-fictional Internet reviewers for panning a movie that -- according to common knowledge -- exists only ??as a clever German tax dodge. If his whole career is just one big ironic gag, I live in awe of Mr. Boll.

(Editor's Note: The picture accompanying this post is not funny. Do not look for a joke in it, as there are none. -- The Board) 

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It's becoming such a common occurrence that I can't even muster the strength to object -- Painkiller, developed by Polish studio People Can Fly, will be the next game on the list of blockbuster-hopeful adaptations of video game properties for the big screen, Variety is reporting. No mention of he who shall not be named in the works yet, however, but the team assembled thus far has quite a list of accomplished pictures, including "Elf" and the upcoming?? Eddie Murphy flick "Starship Dave". That's jus?t the pedigree I'd be hoping to produce a flick about, y'know, demon-slaying.

It's the firs??t time DreamCatcher's sold off feature rights to one of its titles. VP George Chastain told Daily Variety the company opted for making a deal with Guy Walks Into a Bar partly because of the shingle's plans to blend the fast-paced action, the wide array of weaponry and cast of demonic characters in the feat?ure adaptation.

Guy Walks has hired Ben McCaw to adapt. His credits include "Gideon's Vault," a finalist in the Aust??in Film Festival screenwriting competition; "Art of the Fake"; and "Class of the Living Dead. Guy Walks and Deep River Prods. recently wrapped "Starship Dave," starring Eddie M??urphy. The shingle also produced "Elf."

Not to say that the game itself was exceptionally bad, but what is it with studios going after the games with virtually nothing by way of viable plot? What's that? Oh, guns. Well, sure, it's got a lot of those. 

[Via Variety; thanks Justin!] 

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It's known (in the gaming world, at least) that famed game film maker Uwe Boll likes to push people's buttons, but now it looks like he?? picked on the wrong people, and they're taking him to court.

In what may be a clever attempt to get back at the New York Post for publishing negative things about one of his movies, Boll made two websites that look similar to the Post's web site to promote his game-turned-film Postal. The conflict between Bo?ll and the Post began on April 15th, ?when the Post published an article about the movie's release.

The brilliantly named New York Postal is still up, and visitors to the site will notice the headline that mocks this very lawsuit (pictured above). The other site mentioned is not anym?ore. We're not sure what happened there.

The Post says that Boll's web sites re??present "brazen and unlawful infringement of the New York Post's valuable intellect??ual property." They are asking that the sites be ?taken down, the domain names be transfered to ?them, and are also asking for unspecified damages.

[Via NY Sun]

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Uwe Boll, the wackiest German since Colonel Klink, recently conducted an interview with Deutsch games site Area Games in which he says the final words you will ever read before your eyeballs burst from t??heir sockets and your face spontaneously combusts out of sheer incredulity. I'm going to quote him, but please, make sure any children have left the room, and remain seated for the duration of the qu??ote.

POSTAL is my final statement. You can&rsq??uo;t make a more radical movie.

At the film market in Cannes POSTAL got STANDING OVATIONS [capitalisation by Boll]. No other film has ever been applauded there si??nce it’s all business people who attend the screenings. It’s one of the best ??films of all time!

There is no way you can ignore POS?TAL - i?t’s one of the funniest and most important films of the last decade!

You guys still with me? Yeah, you read that correctly. He not only claims Postal -- a film based on a game in which you have th??e option to use a cat's anus as a silencer while murdering innocent bystanders -- is one of the "best films of all time", he then goes on to say it's "one of the funniest and most important films of the last decade". I realize there's a certain level of hyperbole that directors have to add to their own work, but Mr. Boll seems to have confused "superlative self-praise for one's own work" with "spend a week snorting cocaine out of the skulls of dead babies".

The post Postal is one of the most i??mportant films of the last decade; HEAD ASPLODE appeared first on Destructoid.

Alone in the Dark 2, Uwe Boll's amazingly inevitable sequel to last year's tax-dodge that was only vaguely based on the eponymous video game series, has just scored a cast. Bloody-Disgusting reports Lance Henriksen (Aliens, Pumpkinhead, my childhood nightmares), Rick Yune (Fast and the Furious), and Ralf Moeller (a ton of Boll films that no one ever saw) have all sign??ed on to further mar their careers with Herr Boll's latest cinema??tic mistake.

This time, instead of pitting Christian Slater and Tara Reid against??, um, something (I didn't watch the first one), the direct-to-DVD sequel tells the story of a group of witch hunters tracking a woman named E??lisabeth Dexter.

The twist? Elisabeth is actually a dude.

AND she's Forest Whitaker!

[Thanks BlueWolf72. This is just what I needed to hear.]

The post Alone in the Dark II news; Alone Harder? appeared first on Destructoid.

Holding your breath in hopes that the Assassin's Creed short film won't be a steaming pile of badger dung? You may have something worth hoping for, if we're to believe the word of Ubisoft's Montreal CEO Yannis Mallat. Gamasutra has a gr?eat interv??iew up with him in which he expands upon Ubisoft's future plans for the studio. Check out a bit of his vision:

For th?is p?roduct, we have a vision of convergence. We think that crossing the processes, sharing the tools, and having [different groups of] people working on the same kind of product will make this happen. As we know quite well how to make video games, now is the time for us to take it to the next level in terms of CG products. This is what we are doing with the creation of Ubisoft Digital Arts Studio. It's going to be a product where real-time will meld with prerendered, and it will merge into one thing that we are about to shape thanks to the capabilities of the next-gen machines coming soon.

Sexy, indeed. But will we end up with a film as engrossing as the games we love, or will Ubisoft's adventures in film end up in the Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within boat -- awfully pretty, but n??ot particularly compelling in terms of story? It seems like we can hope for more from the sound of things. It seems that interactivity is a part of the plan, according to Mallat:

We'll pr??obably see this kind of stuff (in regards to animated shorts), but we'll also see products where you can jump in and use the interactivity to control and?? shape what you're being told as a story, for example. Let's say you are watching a famous battle from within a famous sci-fi franchise, and you don't like the way the battle is turning out for whatever faction it is. If you want to jump in, you jump in and play, and you shape the contents yourself with the interactivity. This is where we envision products going.

Wait. Does he mean the film or game products? If he means the films....you're going to let me manipulate the film? If I'm allowed to do that, everyone in Assassin's Creed is going to be naked in about 3 seconds. I'm the mature type. At any rate, it looks like the plans for the studio are ambitious to say the least. Regardless of what they do, it has to be better than the last thing Uwe Boll poured his sweat and tears into, so we can? rest easy knowing that.

The post Ubisoft CEO claim??s they will make video game films?? that do not suck appeared first on Destructoid.

You might remember that on Monday, Jim gleefully reported on the fact that the scourge of game-based film and bringer of the bleeding eyeballs Uwe Boll is failing dismally to sell a role in his new cinematic hate-crime, Far Cry.

While this widespread apathy to Boll's generous act of fan outreach / cynical marketing ploy / desperate and miserable attempt to make money / whatever the hell his diseased mind thinks it is is of course hilarious, things have been made a bit more complicated by the current response from Screw Attack. It seems they actually want to ?giv??e him the cash...

You see they've decided to "subvert" the whole fiasco by asking their readers for donations, in a bid to collect together the 2498 Euros ($3352) required to secure the part. The plan is to offer Boll the full asking price and then send someone from their camp over to the set. What happens then is unclear. Some manner of mockery is planned, presumably, and Screw Attack have said that if things don't go to plan, th??e funds will be used to buy some big competition prizes for their readers. Fair enough. 

The only thing is, isn't this giving Boll exactly what he wants? The man is nothing but a talentless chancer, skating through the film industry on IP licenses, tax breaks and whorish publicity drives, while geniunely talented film makers struggle to get noticed. While it might be funny to turn up on set and point at him and giggle for a bit, he'll be the one walking away ??with three grand in his back pocket and a downpayment on the next IP he wants to ravage for the furthering of his career.

We're talking about a man who's freely admitted that his films don't have to make money to make him a profit before, and someone who's used critic and fan hatred for free publicity his whole career. Apa??thy is the best way to quieten people like this, and his auction being ignored was the best thing that could have happened. People like this don't go away because you rise to them. They go away because you ignore them until they implode.  

Of course, I'm fully aware that by even running this story I'??m adding to the whole mess by a degree, but seriously, is $3352 in this man's pocket worth it to give him a bit more of the mockery he thrives on? Unless there'?s some assasination plan involved that I don't know about, I'm not going to be cracking out my wallet any time soon. 

Maybe I'm taking this whole thing far too seriously, and should just be enjoying the tragic human sitcom that is Uwe Boll, but while the guy is clearly a moron on a film set, it seems he knows exactl??y what to do in terms of selling himself. 

The post Uwe Boll: the circus continues appeared first on Destructoid.

This may be the greatest story of all time. Movie abortionist and glorified pornographer, Uwe Boll, is set to direct a movie based off first person shooter Far Cry. Because he simply can't get D-grade actors to do their jobs badly enough, t??he good Mr. Boll has taken to selling a film role on Ebay, presumabely so that he can finally find himself the worst acto??r of all time - one so inconceivably atrocious, he has to purchase his own job.

But do you want to know what's really funny? Nobody has the lack of self esteem required to actually bid on the role. That's right, the simpleton who should've been smothered at birth currently has a grand total of zero bids, and it doesn't look like things are hotting up any time soon. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that, oh, I don't know, he started by selling it for the European equivalent of $3,360 and the 'winner' is expected to pay all hotel and travel expenses? That might be the problem, Uwe, alongside the fact that they'd also have to spend five days with you.

If you can't PAY people to star in your films, it's probably not a good idea to try and CHARGE them. Anybody interested can go here and bid, or just laugh a??s the auction unfolds to the stony sound of sil??ence. 

[Via Kotaku] 

The post Uwe Boll can’t SELL a role in Far Cry appeared first on Destructoid.