Screenshot by Destructoid<\/figcaption><\/figure> Fighting evil by moonlight<\/h2> Valis<\/em> itself is the story of Yuko, a normal schoolgirl minding her own business. Apropos of nothing, monsters suddenly burst from the ground and accost her. A magical sword is flung at her, so suddenly, she\u2019s a hero. Because that’s how it works. She winds up in another world, where she\u2019s asked to save it from an enemy called Rogles.<\/p> There\u2019s this wonderful bit of dialogue that happens after you complete the first mission. This magical lady named Valia tells Yuko what\u2019s going on and how she needs her help. Yuko replies (and I\u2019m heavily paraphrasing here), \u201cThat\u2019s a dick move lady. This isn\u2019t my problem.\u201d Valia then just replies, \u201cQuit arguing and just do it.\u201d Then she puts Yuko in a short skirt and bikini top. It is absolutely ridiculous.<\/p>
Valis <\/em>is known more for its PC-Engine Super CD-ROM\u00b2 versions. Part of the appeal, as I understand it, is their animated and fully-voiced cutscenes that were made possible by the expanded CD storage. However, Valis <\/em>is not a Sega CD game. Those cutscenes are jammed on the cartridge, so they\u2019ve been scaled back significantly in terms of animation. They\u2019re also, understandably, not voiced. And holy heavenly fuck<\/em> are they long and slow.<\/p> Screenshot by Destructoid<\/figcaption><\/figure> Shut up and listen<\/h2> The first cutscene is nearly five minutes long, and all it involves is Yuko talking to a friend and getting attacked by monsters before suddenly sword. It\u2019s both insubstantial and attention-span strainingly long. Then there\u2019s another one after the first level, and it\u2019s seven minutes long. At least that one lets you see Yuko in her ridiculous golden bra.<\/p>
What really makes them painful is how long it takes for text to appear on screen. Dialogue just slowly creeps onto screen. You can\u2019t speed it up, either, since pressing a button just outright skips the cutscene. There aren\u2019t many of these cutscenes throughout Valis<\/em>, but you still spend a disproportionate amount of its time watching it talk slowly to you.<\/p> Your goal is about as straightforward as you get. You need to get to the other side of a level, fight through bosses, and get the Phantasm Jewel at the end. Or, as Valis<\/em> sometimes calls it, the Fantasm Juely. I know, the game is called Valis: The Fantasm Soldier<\/em>, but someone got it wrong. Valia clearly calls them the Phantasm Jewels. I know this, because I watched the words very slowly appear on the screen.<\/p> Screenshot by Destructoid<\/figcaption><\/figure> Not quite good, not entirely kusoge<\/h2> Valis<\/em> is, unfortunately, not a great game. I wouldn\u2019t go as far as describing it as kusoge (crap game), but it\u2019s certainly not on the same level as other Genesis games being released in 1991. Yuko moves very slowly. She can slide, but there seems to be very little reason to do so. Many of the bosses can be defeated simply by hacking away at it. There\u2019s very little challenge to completing the game. The only time I saw the game over screen was during one boss battle where your opponent can use an attack that isn\u2019t technically<\/em> an instant kill but is close enough to see its toe hairs.<\/p> It\u2019s also bewilderingly short. All in, it took me just under an hour to see all of Valis<\/em>. This includes watching every cutscene slowly unfold, letter by letter on the screen, as well as viewing the comparatively hasty credits roll.<\/p> However, I can\u2019t say I didn\u2019t get any enjoyment out of the experience. Valis<\/em> is a game that really captures the era\u2019s style of magical girl anime. For that matter, female protagonists were extremely rare in that time period in video games. It doesn\u2019t really innovate with its approach in any way, and the story in the Sega Genesis version is poorly delivered, but it still manages to put forth its vibe.<\/p> Screenshot by Destructoid<\/figcaption><\/figure> Video game mortuary<\/h2> Valis<\/em> is a pretty forgettable start to the series on Genesis. From the sounds of it, the series never got really much better than middling, so my expectations are set pretty low for the next two Genesis titles in the trilogy. On the other hand, I\u2019m already weirdly fascinated with the series, so I may need to keep an eye out for some of the other titles that aren\u2019t in this set. You know, maybe I\u2019m wrong, maybe this is kusoge and that\u2019s why I\u2019m so interested, but I don\u2019t feel like mocking it. More than I already am, I mean.<\/p> If you\u2019re interested in the Valis<\/em> series, you don\u2019t need a Genesis\/Mega Drive and a copy of the game to try it out. There are two collections of the games on Switch, or you can buy them piecemeal if you\u2019d prefer. I\u2019m having trouble describing what, exactly, I find so fascinating about games like these. Let me try:<\/p> I like to check crawlspaces for corpses. Whenever there\u2019s a series that has had the book closed on it, I want to be able to pull it out of wherever it was left to rot and really give it a good look over. See what went right and what went wrong. Who saw it last? Why didn\u2019t anyone report when it went missing? What does that make me? A retro homicide detective? A video game mortician<\/a>?<\/p> For other retro titles you may have missed, click right here!<\/a><\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Just ’cause some watery tart threw a sword at you.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":17,"featured_media":405972,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"article_type":"","gamurs_wordpress_blocks_hide_tags":false,"_mi_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"apple_news_api_created_at":"","apple_news_api_id":"","apple_news_api_modified_at":"","apple_news_api_revision":"","apple_news_api_share_url":"","apple_news_coverimage":0,"apple_news_coverimage_caption":"","apple_news_is_hidden":false,"apple_news_is_paid":false,"apple_news_is_preview":false,"apple_news_is_sponsored":false,"apple_news_maturity_rating":"","apple_news_metadata":"\"\"","apple_news_pullquote":"","apple_news_pullquote_position":"","apple_news_slug":"","apple_news_sections":"\"\"","apple_news_suppress_video_url":false,"apple_news_use_image_component":false,"footnotes":"","_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false},"categories":[22566],"tags":[20328,468,1312,172,430],"internal-label":[22870],"invoiceable_action":[],"article_type":[23115],"coauthors":[{"id":17,"display_name":"Zoey Handley","user_login":"Adzuken","user_nicename":"adzuken"}],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\n
Valis for Genesis\/Mega Drive really rocks the golden bra<\/title>\n \n \n \n \n \n \n \n \n \n \n \n \n \n\t \n\t \n\t \n \n \n \n \n